All your life, people have taken a step away from you. You prefer sunny days, because people can’t see your death stare through your sunglasses. You used to think you had resting bitch face, but in reality, you have resting murder face.
But you’re not a murderer. You just kind of look like one . . . all the time. Even when you’re smiling . . .
1. People straight up ask you if you’re going to murder them.
2. You respond, “if you ask me that again, yes.”
3. You don’t look into anyone’s eyes anymore.
4. . . . Because that makes them run away in legitimate fear.
5. You’re terrified of your own reflection.
6. People constantly tell you that you are hot in a creepy way, like Ted Bundy.
7. Men are intimidated by you.
8. They never want to go to your apartment because they’re honestly kind of scared that your bedroom is some kind of dungeon where men go to die.
9. When someone tells you to cheer up, you throw something across the room.
10. Or at their head.
11. Your parents sent you to therapy when you were a kid, because they were honestly worried about you.
12. Bartenders take your drink order as soon as you walk in…
13. Because if they make you wait, you might throw your drink at them or something.
14. When you speak and it’s revealed that you’re actually a friendly person, people look around the room trying to find whoever put the spell of niceness on you.
15. No one understands you.
16. You ruin every picture with your inability to smile.
17. You swear you smiled.
18. The camera just somehow never manages to capture it.
19. You only have, like two friends.
21. And you kind of had to convince them you weren’t as terrifying as you look.
22. When your two friends try to explain how nice you are to other people, they don’t believe it.
23. Restaurants never mess up your order. Because they’re worried you’ll burn the place down if the do.
24. At the end of the day, your two only friends text you, “you didn’t murder anyone today, right?” Then you roll your eyes and go to bed, having not murdered anyone.
