You know how it goes. You think you’ve finally found The One—and then they go and do that one thing that screams DOUCHEBAG!
- They chew with their mouth open.
- They don’t tip waiters. Big deal breaker.
- Or they’re just plain rude to waiters.
- They just keep bringing up their ex.
- They’re a VERY toothy kisser.
- They recite two or more poems they’ve written for their ex. (Does this happen to other people, or is it just me?)
- They compare you to their mother on the second date.
- Or they say they want to date someone just like their mother.
- Or worse, they’re rude to their mother.
- They text during movies. Unacceptable.
- You discover that they hate Harry Potter.
- They insist on paying for dinner, and then imply that you owe them something because they paid for dinner. Eww.
- They pour the milk and then the cereal. (Ok, you can maybe work around this one.)
- They make it very clear that they googled you beforehand. Look, we all google each other, but we, as a society, have agreed to lie about it on dates.
- Or, you know they’re lying about something because you googled them.
- They find their phone more interesting than you.
- Wait, are they live-tweeting your date right now?
- They begin a sentence with, “I don’t want to sound racist, but…” Nothing good has ever followed that opener.
- They think that “women just aren’t that funny.” DEAL BREAKER, DEAL BREAKER, DEAL BREAKER.
- They just. won’t. stop. bragging.
- Or complaining.
- Or mansplaining.
- They insist on opening all doors for you.
- They have a strong opinion on what you’re eating. Um… sorry my salad offends you, I guess??
- They have a strong opinion on how much make-up you should wear. If you prefer less make-up then wear less make-up, the f*ck does that have to do with me?
- They flirt with someone else right in front of you. Uh, hello?
- They suggest that you would look better if you lost/gained weight.
- They send you unsolicited photos of their genitalia. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- They won’t stop texting you after one date.
- They cancel dates at the last minute… and still expect you to go out with them again.
- They have not invested in deodorant. Yikes.
- They call you by the wrong name.
- They repeatedly “correct” you on something you know more about.
- They are excessively aggressive about mini-golf or board games.
- They have nothing nice to say about anything.
- They make vague threats like, “I’m not going to wait forever.” Are you… going to murder me or something?
- They tell you that you look SO MUCH like their ex. Abort mission, ABORT, ABORT.