The list of things to do and see in New York is endless.. It’s the “concrete jungle where dreams are made of.” But it’s not until you go into the subway system, that the term “concrete jungle” starts going into full effect.
- When the air conditioner doesn’t work and water’s dripping from the ceiling and falling onto people’s heads as they walk in unknowingly.
- When you’re in a train full of Buddhist monks and feel unholy as fuck.
- When the seats are so full your butt and hips are uncomfortably close to the person next to you. And they know it too…
- …It becomes a contest to see who can shuffle their booties as far from the other as possible. Though you know neither of you will win.
- When someone won’t stop making eye contact with you…
- …Or when you can’t really tell if they’re looking at you or someone else and feel crazy…
- …Or when someone’s wearing pitch-black sunglasses with a stony look on their face and you have no idea what they’re looking at even though they’re directly facing you. Are they looking through you?!
- When you’re trying to get off a crowded train and hump everyone on your way out.
- When you see someone meditating in a completely crowded and busy train. Palms facing up, eyes closed, looking totally zen…
- …But just when it’s their stop, they open their eyes and get up like it ain’t no thang.
- When someone sticks their arm up for support and you’re dealing with smelly armpits in your face for the next half hour.
- When you can read someone’s text argument with his or her significant other and you suddenly know all about a random couple’s sex life.
- When the totally innocent average Joe looking guy has Bitch Better Have My Money or Call Me Maybe blaring through his headphones.
- When someone next to you is reading a steamy novel and you accidentally get turned on during your work commute.
- When you wonder how they ever allowed those weird fucking advertisements with awful copywriting to be put up. Note: Dentists incorporating “selfie smiles” into ads is NOT hip or cool.
- When you get off at the wrong stop and rush back in and everyone’s either looking at you like you just ate a dog or they’re too in their own heads to even notice.
- When someone asks you “Do I know you from somewhere?” and you’re like nope. No way. You know what they’re getting at.
- When someone really attractive is sitting across from you and you’re trying your best not to stare like a creepy stalker but, like, still make it obvious enough you’re interested.
- When someone thinks it’s “No Pants Day.”
- When there’s an annoying couple next to you engaging in questionable amounts of PDA…
- …And they won’t move for the old lady struggling to get past them because surely the apocalypse will strike if their hands aren’t touching for a second. GTFO.
- When you accidentally lose your balance and fall onto two strangers’ laps.
- When you see a random cardboard box on fire on the subway platform…
- …NBD.
- When you’re ecstatic to get into an empty subway train…
- …But when you realize why it’s empty, it’s too late.
- When you see a guy with a giant ET replica and wonder where the hell you can get one for yourself.
- When the dance troupe comes in and you wonder how no one got kicked in the face.
- When a pregnant woman goes into labor in the train.
- When people think that the subway train is a public restroom…
- …Read: clipping toenails, doing their makeup.
- When a couple thinks that the subway train is a private bedroom.
- When you notice someone about to get off their seat and you’re ready to get into battle and bloodshed with the three people standing next to you.
- When homeless or broke people perform a routine (comedic, musical, whatever) or simply say they need money and you’re trying to avoid eye contact because you’re also broke as fuck and then get sad about our nation’s economic system and the income disparity. *SIGH*
- When there’s totally room for you to sit down next to someone but they’re not even aware of their totally inconsiderate manspread.
- When people mistake the subway train for being a kitchen and the limejuice they were working so hard to squeeze onto their rice gets in your eye.
- When little kids stare at you creepily or think it’s okay to touch your face. No.
- …Or when they lick the subway poles. Mmm.
- When Tyrese promotes his album on the subway.
- When strangers think people want hugs from them. ?!?!
- When two girls are nomming on a full rack of ribs and it’s 2 in the morning.
- When a guy masturbates in front of you…
- …Enough said.
- When someone thinks it’s a good idea to open up a good ol’ can of tuna in the morning.
- When someone’s peeing…
- And peeing. And peeing…
- …Or when there’s literally a pile of shit on a seat. Except no one actually gives a shit.
You know New York. You need New York. You know you need unique New York.
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