When you get to college, unless you’re committed to the straight-edge lifestyle (in which case, what are you doing in college??), you’re going to end up developing a taste for alcohol. Why? It’s legal, it loosens you up, and it’s everywhere.
We’re not saying that such behavior should be encouraged, but there’s no hiding from the fact that it’s fairly common. True, some people arrive at school having already had some practice in this particular pastime, but for the most part, first-year students are drinking novices. Over the course of the next four years, they’ll go through several stages as they familiarize themselves with beer, wine, and liquor.
Beginning with. . .
1. Mixed-Drink Confusion
When you’re not all that experienced as a drinker, you naturally assume that any liquor can be successfully combined with any beverage, resulting in a delicious yet intoxicating cocktail.
Such is not the case. You’ll spend your first semester of college consuming drinks that are probably banned by the Geneva Convention. Sorry, but Spiced Rum and Snapple Iced Tea do not a good combination make.
On top of this, without any way of buying your own liquor, you may be forced to consume the cheapest moonshine you can get your hands on. Ever tasted vanilla-flavored vodka? The kind that comes in a plastic bottle?
It’s almost enough to scare you off of drinking forever. Almost, until you go through your. . .
2. Light Beer Conversion
After discovering that the hassle that goes in to combining terrible ingredients to make a terrible beverage isn’t worth the hangover that results, you’ll decide to make light beer your drink of choice. It’s abundant on campus, it’s inexpensive, and if you drink it quickly enough, you can convince yourself that it doesn’t taste that terrible. A little like hobo tears mized with bottle shame, but whatever.
That said, you’ll still be early in your development of an alcohol-appreciator, and as such, will try to convince yourself that there’s something classy about your choices. You want to be a true aficionado of whatever drink you decide to enjoy. As such, you’ll convince yourself that Bud Light with Lime is a craft beer.
The charade doesn’t last long, though. Eventually, you’ll give in to the understanding that you’re not drinking that swill because you like it, you’re drinking it to feel a little differently about yourself on a Friday night. Which will lead to. . .
3. Drinking Games
Upon admitting to yourself that you’re not a cultured consumer of fine spirits, you’ll commit to having as much carefree fun as you can with your drinking habits. And what better way to do this than to add needlessly complicated rules and barriers standing between you and said drinking? Beer pong, Kings, these are all enjoyable pursuits. You’ll just have to ignore the fact that simply, you know, drinking your beer more quickly would accomplish the same end goal (“be less sober”) with much less frustration.
You know that a change is coming soon, though, a dramatic shift to a higher level of consciousness, because, soon, you’ll. . .
4. Turn 21
It’s that magic age, when you can legally purchase alcohol. It seems appealing, until it actually happens. Then you realize that you’re stuck acquiring beer for all your younger friends. Your dreams of walking into a liquor store and walking out with whatever weird-yet-fancy bottle of bizarre blue liquid are thwarted by the realization that such beverages are expensive as hell. Being 21 years of age is not going to change much about your drinking life, aside from making you mildly less anxious when you purchase booze.
However, you are older wiser, and perhaps, a little more careful with your money. As such, when senior year rolls around, you’ll finally. . .
5. Drink Good Alcohol
You’ve spent your undergrad weekends drinking enough light beer and boxed wine to keep the local shady gas station in business for another two decades. But, with one year left in your college experience, you’ve committed to saving up some of your money and using it to, once and for all, drink quality alcohol.
You may be the type of generous friend who shares said beverages with your younger peers, but that’s not likely. The more probable scenario involves you standing in the corner of whatever party you happen to be at on any given Friday night, sipping a premium Scotch and looking down on all the savages drinking 40 oz. bottles of glorified water down to the last drop.
Don’t get too cocky, though, because. . .
6. You’ll Come Full Circle
As the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. However, so must all kind of lame and juvenile things. In other words, college can’t last forever. Graduation will happen. And, while you can’t be entirely sure that you learned much during the experience (all will be lost in a haze of memories, some real, some less so), you can at least know that you grew as a drinker. No longer will you give in to the urge to consume cheap alcohol. You’re above that now.
Until you get into the real world, where your job pays poorly, your rent is too damn high, and none of the terrible sitcoms you convince yourself to watch on a Friday night are that funny without the help of alcohol. So, what do you do when you need to decompress after a week of soul-crushing work, but can’t quite afford the top-shelf booze anymore?
You’ll return to your old friends, light beer and terrible cocktails. The cycle is complete.
