College: the magical vessel of higher learning and academia, where high minded youths discuss solutions to the world’s problems, learn valuable trades and are shaped and moulded into the greatness they will one day become.
Well, that, and getting wasted and f*cking each other. See, college ain’t just about smarts, it’s also about getting some knowledge on all your valuable life lessons.
1. How much booze is too much booze.
The importance of this knowledge slaps you in the face when you wake up on a stranger’s sofa with the contents of an entire room Jenga’d on your chest, a face full of Sharpie penises and only 30 minutes to get to your first class of the day.
2. How to maintain basic health and hygiene.
So it turns out scurvy isn’t just for 18th century pirates, it can happen to any hapless undergraduate that steadfastly ignores the needs for fresh fruit and vegetables. While 10 cent noodles and paint-stripper vodka sounds like a balanced diet, you may wanna include enough Vitamin C to stop your teeth from falling out.
3. What happens when you don’t clean up after yourself.
Two things happen: firstly, people that have to live in your general area start to hate you, and secondly, you become increasingly more worried about starting a big clean up in the fear that you may discover what’s under the teetering mounds of plates and pizza boxes. Growling isn’t a sound dirty dishes should make.
4. How to live with people you ain’t related to.
You’ve been co-habiting space with people since you were born, but living with fam and living with randos are two very different games. On the positive side there is no chance you can get grounded anymore, on the negative there’s no guarantee that your new roommates aren’t going to be Bronie loving Trump supporters.
5. How to cook something more complex than sugar cookies.
Your ginger snaps and peanut butter cupcakes may be legendary but baked goods for three meals a day are going to get very boring very fast, plus college isn’t the best place to pick up an expensive diabetes disorder. Have you seen how much insulin costs these days!? The solution: brushing off the cobwebs on the big pot your mum bought you and giving real cooking a pop.
6. Why not to shit where one eats.
You may think that hooking up with the blonde hottie from your 8 person class was a stroke of genius and now you two are destined to walk hand in hand to every seminar and play footsie under the table while the professor teaches. That is until you find out about their Nazi paraphernalia collection and have to spend the rest of the semester ignoring their glances in class and screening their calls. Whoops.
7. How to take care of the pennies.
There is a reason why broke, college and student are three words that are very much at home with one another. Students ain’t got no mother f*cking money, so learning how to live the high (or at least medium) life on the cheap is a valuable life lesson every academic must learn. Once you get outta college and have to spend the next 9 months looking for a job, making six meals from $10 is going to be a very valuable skill to have in your arsenal.
