Well, if it isn’t almost summertime. The sun is shining, the trees are flashing their green leaves, and the lawns are just starting to yellow in the warmer temperatures. That sounds like a promising set up for summer fun!
Of course, with summer come masses of people hanging out in the same place. You’ve got crowded concert lawns and outdoor shopping malls. Then there are the oceans and pools. Ugh. The pools.
Something about community pools really rubs me wrong. I can’t resist the cool water and smell of chlorine, though. It calls to me. It begs me to swim in it and open my eyes to the burn. Unfortunately, there are lots of awkward things that go down in the pool.
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The Guy That Sweats
This person uses the pool as a replacement shower for after his workout, after he has been tanning, or after he just gets really sweaty by being out and about in the warm weather. You watch his glistening body jump into the pool and you immediately decide to leave because the idea of being that close to his prolific sweat makes you gag.
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The Person That Pees
I say ‘person’ because this is not necessarily a child who lets it all out there. When you’ve been swimming with a friend for hours and they’ve never taken a potty break, you know you need to end your friendship.
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The Kid That Poops
This one is my personal favorite. Sure, chlorine is a pool miracle or whatever. But unless you wrap the poop in a coating of antibacterial gel and then set it on fire, you should still be grossed out. After all, it’s usually been in the water for a while before you find out about it. Plus…farts.
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The Drive-By Grazer
This is the desperate swimmer who goes to the pool to get saucy with other people. If you think you just accidentally got felt up in the public pool, you’re wrong. You just intentionally got felt up by the creep who liked the way you looked in your bikini. Hot.
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The Person That Spits
Some people never learned that they should swim with their mouths closed. These people take cues from whales and swim with their mouths happy to slurp up the water until they realize they have no blowhole. So they spit the water out. In the pool. Near you. Germs.
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The Swimsuit That Falls Off
Talk about an awkward incident. There is always a person at the pool who suffers a wardrobe malfunction. I’ve been that person. You’ve been that person. Your grandma has been that person. Trying to act like it didn’t happen when you know your brother just saw your nipple, well, it’s rough.
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The Maker-Outers
Now and then you get a couple in the pool that seems to have forgotten that this is not, in fact, their own private sex tub. When I see a duo making out, legs wrapped around one another, I get out of the pool. I ain’t trying to get pregnant. #OldWivesTale. #Yuck.
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The Obnoxious Drinker
While I’m not necessarily against the idea of absorbing my alcohol through my skin, I don’t find this to be an effective way to get wasted. So, thank you anyway, Mr. Obnoxious Drinker, but I’m actually going to get by without you sloshing your beer all across the water while you talk about your glory days. Really.
