Now they’ve found water on Mars, jetting off and making it our new home has now become real possibility. You may think that years of isolation and a high chance of death make this a fool’s errand, but you need to look at the positives of an inter-planetary relocation:
1. No more student loans.
You may have a debt that would make a small country weep for their financial future but the chances of the loan company sending a threatening letter up here might be beyond even their reach. They can forget about that overdue library fine as well, no way they’re getting their Econ-101 textbook back now.
2. Dating would be way easier.
Who needs Tinder when you have several strapping international astronauts to choose from. Sure, cocktail bars and movies are probably a bit thin on the ground up on the 5th planet, but there’s’ a few other things you can do in Zero G that will keep you nice and distracted.
3. Let’s see your psycho-ex finding you up here.
Although don’t put it past them. After they’ve bombarded you with text messages, destroyed your FB wall and stalked you at work, don’t think moving to another planet will deter them. They’ll probably cobble together a spaceship in their garage and be waiting outside your pod door the moment you arrive. Honestly, some people just can’t take the hint.
4. You can totally see yourself as a Founding Father.
You’ll be like the first person on a entire new planet, and this means it’s up to you to make the rules. Say hello to mandatory Sunday Fundays, a ban on relationship Ghosting and a free kitten to any newcomers making a new home on the red planet. It’s a brave new world up here and you’re not going to fuck it up like the last one.
5. Your Insta game will be on point.
Who needs a strong filter game when you’ve got the best shots in the universe coming from your Instagram account. No one has done a daily yoga pose next to the oceans of Mars yet and you’re one upping any faker that think they can take a pic of a red moon and get a thousand likes. You’re on the gosh darned red planet motherfuckers, beat that.
6. It definitely pays bank.
Astronauts are like super heros, fighter pilots and celebrities rolled into one, so there is no way they aren’t making some serious paper when they swan off on their important missions. While there’s probably a limited amount of places you can spend it in outer space, at least you know you’re coming back to a tasty nest egg if you bottle out and take the next ship home. You can come home, right?
7. No more guilt about missing the gym.
I mean, being on a different planet is basically a iron clad excuse to forgo leg day. Plus any work outs you do squeeze in while on the Red Rock are going to be damn impressive, and you’ll be smashing PB’s left and right now there’s no gravity. Who wants to see me do a thousand pull ups?
8. It’s sexy as hell.
The space suits leave a lot to the imagination, but there’s something about being an astronaut that will pique the interest of any would-be hook up. If space can make Sandra Bullock seem hot again, you’re gonna have no problem.
