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8 Things Only People Who Suck at Lying Will Understand

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Lies range from big to small, from superficial to serious, but it doesn’t matter to us because all lies are stumbling blocks. No matter how small, a lie is a lie, and we’re just the absolute worst at it.

1. Sunglasses are necessary for survival.

They’re the great black shields behind which we can mask the ways our faces give away our lies. With our impenetrable shades up, our friends can’t see the ways our eyes nervously dart back and forth or the way our eyebrows twitch.

Our sunglasses basically let us pass for normal people.

2. All of our friends know that we can’t lie for sh*t.

It’s common knowledge in our friend group that looking up at the ceiling while talking is a sure sign that we’re constructing a fib. Maybe it’s time we got some new friends…

3. We have no such thing as a pokerface.

Either our lips curl into a slight uncomfortable smile or we make just the slightest squint with our right eye as we finish speaking. All bad liars have their own special brand, we can’t help it. Our facial muscles just love to make it all so obvious. 

4. We’ve given up on lying to anyone close to us.

What’s the point? It’s just a big impossibility to get anything past them at this point.

5. We practice lying in the mirror.

We stare ourselves in the eyes and say, “My name is Barack Obama and yes I am the Leader of the Free World.” We scrutinize our faces for our lie signs, and then concentrate all our mental strength on lying without the signs.

Too bad we’re never successful. I guess we are just eternally damned to always be awful liars.

6. We don’t know if it’s better to be an obvious liar or too blunt.

If we tell white lies to make our friends feel better, they always know we’re lying to them. But if we just tell them what we really think then we come across as assholes. Is it better to be an a**hole or a liar? Probably an a**hole…

7. We compensate by giving way too many details.

When we need an “us” day we should just tell our boss that we’re sick, plain and simple. But instead we give them this whole long spindly adventure tale about how we finally went to this new restaurant we had really wanted to try, got something a little out there, and now we’ve been suffering from horrible food poisoning since 3:47 in the morning.  I guess the truth isn’t in the details.

8. Our Google search history is filled with lying tips.  

“How to lie,” “What are the body language signs of a lie,” or “Classes on lying, NYC,” and “How many lies does it take to kill a friendship…” Just to name a few. 


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