If you’re in a relationship and often feel stressed because you see a partner’s self-destructive habits because of drug taking, but are unable to help them see it, you could be experiencing the issues of co-dependency.
The author of Codependency No More, Melody Beattie classifies co-dependency as, “the pattern of trying to control of change someone who repeatedly makes trouble for themselves and others, and who usually is manipulating and controlling others as well.” Codependency was classified as a disorder around ten years ago after experts began studying the interpersonal relationships between family members of alcoholics. Another website, Mental Help describes codependency as, “seeking loved based on feelings of inadequacy that one hopes will be repaired by one’s lover.” Either way, if you are unable to talk about how you feel for fear of a partner leaving, or you can’t work through your own fears because you’re constantly blaming your issues on your partner, it’s not a healthy environment.
It’s never easy to see a partner destroying themselves with alcohol or other drugs, and many people have classified themselves as codependent. They feel like their life is falling apart behind the scenes because they can’t control their partner’s behavior. They see their partner as a ‘victim’ that they need to save. Behind the scenes, the codependent partner’s life is falling apart. They may act out in anger, they may blame others for their erratic and controlling behavior, but the truth is that codependent partners are just as confused, mentally and emotionally, as their drug-using partner.
Love, on the other hand, is unconditional. It is acceptance of a partner. Love understands that human beings are flawed. There is pain. Some people choose to hide these pains with drugs. Love is to accept the path that a partner has chosen. Love understands that the need to escape, through drugs or other means, is necessary for survival. Love is patient and kind. Love empathizes. Love doesn’t judge and attempt to fix.
Is it Codependency?
This behavior toward a partner is often unconscious. You have no idea that you are losing yourself emotionally in a partner. It’s not about you anymore, it’s about your partner and how to ‘fix’ them, to make them your ‘perfect’ partner. There is one particular story in Melody Beattie’s book, Codependent No More by Jessica who kept telling herself that once her alcoholic husband was better, their marriage would also get better. Toward the finale of her story, she said, “He had been sober and attending Alcoholics Anonymous for six months. He was getting better. I wasn’t.” A month later, Jessica came to the realization that her life was out of control. She sought the help she so desperately needed.
Dysfunctional families are also the source of codependency. This covers families who fail to confront their issues. This can lead to a repression of emotions. They form attachments to people, looking after them and even sacrificing their life, but they make a detachment from themselves. This may lead to addiction to drugs or alcohol, or even a mental illness like depression. The underlying factor for the codependent partner is the dynamic of being needed by the problem partner. Some characteristics of co-dependence include a need to control others, dependence on others, to pity and want to rescue others instead of love them, and to take on a 100 percent responsibility to ‘save’ or ‘fix’ others.
Is it Love?
Relationships are fulfilling, but if you feel unhappy it may not be love that you feel. You can try with all your might to love and give 100 percent of yourself, but if you have to change who you truly are to meet the demands of the relationship, it’s not love. Love comes naturally. Your partner must love you for who you are, not because of who you can become for them. This is unconditional love. If you are in a relationship only to please your partner, you will be the one who ends up hurt. If you can speak to your partner about your concerns, and he or she takes your ‘worries’ or concerns on board, it’s a healthy loving relationship not at all one-sided. However, if you are constantly refusing to talk about your feelings for fear that your partner will leave, sooner or later you will have to face the fact that it’s not love but codependency.
