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Some Tough Love for the Friend Who Needs a Reality Check

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OK, friend. Before I scream or shatter any more champagne flutes with my bare hands, there are some things you need to hear. I’m here to give you a major reality check.

As an unemployed highbrow in your 20s still living in your mom’s gorgeous apartment, you’re not going to automatically live in the wealthiest neighborhood when you eventually move out.

You have absolutely no money. What makes you think you can just move into the city’s nicest neighborhood? Maybe if you save up a little more instead of going out every weekend, you could maybe one day afford that shiny mansion apartment.

Maybe once you do move out, you could move to a not-so-stunning neighborhood.

With the salary you’d be making once you get a job, which, as a 20-something, probably isn’t much, you wouldn’t be able to afford a penthouse apartment. So unless you’d like to live with your mom for the rest of eternity, try out a new area. It could really open your eyes.

You need to get a job. Any job.

I don’t care that 9-to-5s “aren’t your thing.” I know that one 9-to-5 you had didn’t work out, but it shouldn’t sour you on all 9-to-5s. You’ve also refused to take part-time nannying jobs, barista jobs and dogwalking jobs. I don’t care if the job doesn’t give you flexible hours. ‘Tis life, bitch. Sorry you can’t jet to the Bahamas twice a year.

The world doesn’t revolve around you.

That could be the reason why that 9-to-5 “didn’t work out,” no offense. Maybe they didn’t like you taking vacations after only working there two months. I understand it’s important to get “personal time,” but I’m pretty sure you can get that at home after taking a personal day — every once in a while. And by once in a while, I mean, like, not every two weeks.

Stop taking luxury trips.

What other 20-somethings are taking lavish vacations like you do twice a year? Most people our age would feel lucky to even be able to make it to Six Flags once a year. If you saved the money you spend on random vacations, think of the amazing things you could do later in life.

You are very…into yourself.

I literally don’t give a f*ck about 90 percent of the sh*t you say. I don’t really care about the hour-long story you told about going to the mall with your mom to buy an umbrella. Or anything about financial bullsh*t that makes you think you sound more sophisticated than you are. If you wanna be more sophisticated, why don’t you learn about the lives of the people around you instead of talking about your cute yoga instructor for three hours?

Don’t invest in stupid sh*t.

You shouldn’t be investing in anything, really. But if you wanna invest in something, the stock market is a great place to start. But don’t put money into a venture that could potentially fail — like real estate. I’m actually laughing out loud at the prospect of you fixing a tenant’s air conditioner.

Being an adult means making sacrifices.

If you spend a night Netflix and Chilling instead of going out for $14 cocktails, you’ll be much happier in the long run. Be Broad City, not Sex and the City.

You’re so hung up on striving to live like Blair Waldorf

Of course we all want to live more glamorous lives. But maybe you should just try to embrace what you have right now. You’re in your 20s. You don’t have a stable job like most people in their 30s and 40s — and even at those ages not everyone has their sh*t together. So why don’t you stop being Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30 and just be happy with what you’ve got?

Your friends wanna be there for you.

We just want to help you, but it just seems like you’re trapped in this little bubble. And it seems like you aren’t interested in what we have to say because we’re not “respectable professionals.” Just because we’re still living at home or we’re still in school or we haven’t found a job in our field yet, it doesn’t mean we’re incapable of offering sound advice and guidance.

We’re not just going to tell you what you wanna hear like everyone else you seek advice from does. Those people don’t have your best interests at heart, and we just want you to look at life realistically. It may not sound like it here, but I do love you, and I don’t wanna see you crash and burn. I just want you to have the life you desire by using sensible tactics — and being nice just isn’t cutting it anymore.


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