Occasionally, through no fault of our own, we need to put the pedal to the metal and get shit sorted. This could mean packing up to move house, getting your latest term paper written or arduously planning on how to dump your latest clinger. Whatever it is, there are usually a few stages we all have to go through before completion:
Stage 1: Planning.
Enjoy this stage, ‘cos it’s all going downhill from here. You get your notepad out, select the finest writing implement for the job, and by god do you make an incredible list of things to do. Bask in your organisational skills now because this is the last you’ll see of them.
Stage 2: Doing anything but what you had planned.
Remember all that washing you were meant to do? Well, seconds after you’ve figured out how to get going on your incredibly important task, you’ll realise it can’t possibly get done with all that dirty laundry laying about. The bathroom looks like it needs a clean as well. Oh and shouldn’t you call your mother, yeah now seems like a good time for that.
Stage 3: Scrapping the plan and doing something completely different.
Well, after sweating all the chores you never intended to get to, it’s time to return to that perfectly curated list you made all those hours ago. Only now that list is terrible, unreasonable and clearly impossible. God damn your morning spunkiness, looks like you’re just going to have to wing it from here.
Stage 4: Remembering why you had a plan in the first place.
Oh yeah, that’s why you had a plan, ‘cos it all turns into an unorganised clusterf*ck when you stray into freestyle mode. You’ve completed 10% of eight different tasks and you’re one more coffee away from being able to see the future, this is everything you envisioned when you woke up this morning. Stupid distracted brain.
Stage 6: Getting, like, half of it done and deciding you need a break.
OK, back on track. The plan still works, you can now drag yourself out of that depression spiral and put down the mid-day whiskey. This is all going to be great. With this winning attitude, you power through a substantial amount of what you were meant to be doing before collapsing on the couch for five hours and calling it a “break.”
Stage 7: Forgetting what the f*ck you were doing in the first place.
After six episodes of American Horror story, some takeout Chinese, and maybe a quick Mario kart tournament, you’re officially ready to get this show back on the road. Only you’re now fused to the sofa, you can’t remember where you got up to, and you have an overwhelming desire to stay exactly where you are and never move again.
Stage 8: Realising your plan sucked.
It doesn’t matter how many smiley faces or motivational one-liners you scribbled on your list, the task just can’t be done. If this really is “the first day of the rest of your life” then maybe it’s time to check into rehab like your mum always wanted.
Stage 9: Starting it all again, but in a blind panic.
OK, the plan is a bust but if you run around sobbing uncontrollably, mumbling to yourself and occasionally breaking into hysterical laughter, then maybe someone will take pity and do it all for you. No? Well, you’re just going to have to get it done yourself. Tick tock.
Stage 10: Cobbling together what you’ve done so far and calling it genius.
See, this isn’t so bad. It’s not really what you had in mind when you started this mentally traumatising escapade, and you may well have caused some permanent damage, but the point is that it’s done and you never have to do the stupid thing ever again. In fact, now you can see the result you’re not sure what was so difficult about it in the first place. You could have nailed this in 45 minutes tops. Ah well, c’est la vie.
