Camping: the great American tradition of getting lost in the wilderness, arguing with the missus and coming home soggy with a belly full of undercooked meat. It’s the perfect way to spend a weekend. But follow these commandments and you may come out of it looking like a proper woodsman, instead of a blubbing mess:
1. Thou shalt not put thy tent up in the dark.
There’s nothing more fun that arriving at your campsite as dusk approaches, taking the newly bought tent out of the bag and attempting to remember the intricacies of tent assembly as you feel the heavy drops of an approaching storm. Oh, did I say fun? I meant standard grounds for a divorce.
2. Thou shall have waterproof gear for the entire weekend.
You think you’re a savvy explorer bringing that one heavy duty rain mac and a pair of rubber boots. That is until you fall in a river during the first hike into the wilderness and you have to spend the rest of the weekend shivering in a tissue-thin tank top and crotch-hugging hotpants.
3. Thou shall always have enough tent pegs for all the tents.
During a lazy afternoon when the sun is shining and the mosquitos have taken a break from being d*cks, it’s difficult to realise the importance of properly securing your tent down, I mean it’s weighed down by a bunch of people anyway, right? You’re going to regret this when the gods decide to bring down a category five hurricane on your unprepared arse.
4. Thou shall only need to make one food run.
Just one quick trip to Wal-mart on the way in and you can load up the car with all the goodies and sweets you’re going to need for the next few days. A bumper pack of chips, a barrel of nuts and 12 cases of beer should do it, who needs actual food when you’re 40 miles from civilisation and you have an entire weekend of camping experience already under your belt. You’ll construct rabbit catching traps…or something.
5. Thou shalt have enough tents for everyone.
With big group camping it’s always tempting to go the community route and figure that there’s enough room in a three man tent to fit at least six…Just remember that sentiment when it’s 4 AM and you have three different pairs feet hovering around your face. It feels like a Turkish sauna and someone’s forgotten the iron-clad rule of no farting.
6. Thou shalt never blame thy significant other when it all goes to shit.
So what if they got the directions mixed up on the way there? It doesn’t matter if they laughed when you were viciously mauled by that racoon. And maybe they weren’t exactly helpful when it came to building camp, but for the love of god don’t argue until you get back home. ‘Cos there’s nothing more awkward than trying to give someone the silent treatment when you have to share a sleeping bag.
7. Thou shall refer to the Bear Grylls philosophy if it all starts getting hairy.
If you get lost always refer back to the big man’s survivalist training. Like drinking your own piss and making a makeshift shelter out of recently slaughtered moose hide. Actually, on the other hand, it might be better just to die of exposure.
8. Thou shall always, always, always bring tin foil.
You’ll thank me when you’re not eating ash covered meat that you’ve had to char directly on top of the flickering embers.
