They say that if you don’t love an article of clothing when you try it on at the store then you will never love it after you buy it. I do not know exactly who “they” are, but I would like to call bullsh** on this idea. Dressing rooms are the place where women can feel most vulnerable, anxious and pissed off, am I right ladies? Allow me to paint a picture of almost every experience a woman has during her time in the dressing room. But first, the process that leads up to it:
We enter the store of our choosing and instantly see at least four mannequins that have outfits that we must have. We grab as many hangers as we can until the metal hanger tops start making painful indents on our hands and wrists. In an effort to be hopeful, when we are not sure which size to grab we opt for the smaller one. Then we waddle up to the dressing room. There is usually a six-item minimum (thanks a lot, Winona Ryder.) Once we decide which items we want to take in first and make the sales associate promise she won’t let anyone grab our remaining clothes, we make our way into the dressing room. And from there, it is a free for all of thoughts regarding multiple elements of our experience in the tiny changing room.
The Lighting
There is something about the lighting in almost any dressing room that can be critiqued. It can be too dim, too bright, or so fluorescent that we look like characters from The Simpsons. The lighting is just never right and I propose that scientists take this matter seriously.
The Mirrors
Whether it is the mirror on the inside of your personal space or the one outside at the end of the runway (read: dressing room hallway) they always seem to just not be right. Like, I am all about a good fun house at a carnival, but not when I am trying to see which blouse makes my boobs like best.
The Space
Seriously? The stand-up spray tan booth I was in last week is bigger than this thing. Dressing rooms are basically the size of those coffins that contestant’s of fear factor would be placed in, along with hundreds of creepy crawlies. Instead of being covered in cockroaches, though, we are simply placed in the claustrophobic space with our vulnerabilities; I almost feel like the cockroaches would be less frightening.
The Nosy Attendant
“Are you doing okay in there?” “Can I get you anything?” “How’s it going in there?”
I feel like I am in a bathroom stall and I am being discretely asked to hurry the f*** up whenever a sales woman asks me all of these questions. Just let me look at myself in a single romper for 20 minutes while I decide if I like it a lot or if I love it, please. I get that you work for commission but do less, I beg of you!
Our Bodies
NOTE: Every woman is beautiful the way they are. I repeat: YOU ARE ALL GORGEOUS, LADIES! But I will admit that there is no better time to nitpick about things we consider flaws in the dressing room. While we are trying on different outfits we do the classic moves, like…
- The Suck-It-In: where we pretend like we are wearing those ridiculous waist-shapers the Kardashian’s always rave about. You all of a sudden wish you had waited to get a pretzel from the food court until after you finished shopping.
- The Turn-To-The-Side: because everybody looks good when they are turned to the side
- The Instagram-Practice-Pose: because you know you are not going to buy those jeans unless you look perfect in them when you snap a pic on your girl’s night out.
While this may be a stressor that I joke about, I still can’t stress that every lady is gorgeous. We just tend to succumb to these goofy dressing room rituals. Keep on fighting the good fight of dressing room anxiety-inducers, ladies and gentlemen. I applaud you all.