To The Person Who Thinks Their Birthday is a National Holiday

My father often says, “Opinions are like as*holes. Everybody has one.”

The same goes for birthdays. We know. That’s the day that you, in all your glory, came into the world and started bossing everybody around. You got away with it when you were a baby because you were small and cute.

You are now larger and less cute, and this is why you have to face these hard facts about your birthday.

1. It is not everyone’s job to remember your birthday.

I don’t know if you know this, but people are not perfect machines. Besides eating and sleeping, the thing we do most often is forget things. Your birthday is no exception to that rule.

Someone remembering your birthday is a gift and should be treated as such. The only person you can expect to remember your birthday is probably your mother. It was a pretty eventful day for her, too.

2. The work day does not stop for your birthday.

You can request off for your birthday if you want, but the Earth is still spinning at 1000mph as usual and that means work still needs to be done.

Do not expect to have off on your birthday, do not aim your indignation at your boss should they decide not to give you the day, and don’t expect the day to look much different than any other once you’re there.

3. Your birthday lasts for exactly 24 hours from the time you were born.

Your birthday, much like your wedding day, is one day. It’s not a week, it’s not a weekend, and it’s not two days, because you were born on leap year.

It lasts for one day, so don’t expect your friends to go on a marathon drinking spree that results in cirrhosis of the liver just because you want to wear that tiara for a little longer.

4. Don’t expect everyone to drop everything.

People have lives, you know? It’s entirely possible that someone already committed to doing something else on your birthday. But HOW could they? You exclaim. They KNEW it was my birthday!

It doesn’t mean they love you any less, it just means they experienced a combination of A. being forgetful and B. keeping their word. Which leads me to….

5. The celebration of your birthday is flexible in the eyes of other people.

Even though your birthday is just one day, and that’s true, I refer to the previous statement that people have lives. That means they want to acknowledge your birthday, but they may do it on a random day in the general vicinity of your birthday.

Maybe they can celebrate a week in advance, maybe three days after. Try to keep this in stride, and be happy they want to celebrate at all.

6. Just because you’re a birthday nut, that doesn’t mean everyone else is a birthday nut.

You might have went all out for Stacy’s birthday. You might have gotten five kegs, two ponies and a Hibachi chef. You might have taken her for a tequila bar crawl downtown and then threw her into a pool full of cake to end the night.

That does not mean you should be all pissy if she asks to take you to dinner for your birthday and that’s it. People have their different ways.

The moral of the story is, Be happy with what you get, even if that is nothing on your birthday. You’re a grown up now, and that means your birthday is the celebration of the fact that you’ve made it another year. It’s all about gratitude.