I am a woman and I do not want to have children.
There, I said it. Take a moment to let this horrifying detail of my life sink in, then listen up.
I’ve grappled with the idea of whether or not I’d want kids my entire life. Every so often I thought maybe motherhood was a path for me, but then I’d go right back to a firm no. I was 22 when I sat down with my partner at the time and explained that I really didn’t want kids. Since then, that playful thought that used to creep into my mind disappeared.
People are oddly weird about this.
As a woman on the brink of entering her thirties and planning a wedding, babies are a hot topic. Everyone wants to know when I’ll be popping out a bundle of joy, for which I brace myself for the inevitable debate I’m about to have when I tell them “never.”
I’m getting tired of this debate.
So parents and children lovers of the world, please, for my sanity (along with all the childless-by-choice people out there), stop saying these things when you learn I wish to be child free:
1. “You’ll change your mind.” Unless you magically know what my future holds, how could you possibly know this? Plus, it’s just rude. The values you uphold for a fulfilling life do not necessarily mesh with my values.
2. “I’ve seen you with kids, you’d be such a good mom." There are lots of things I’m sure I would be good at, but it doesn’t mean I want to do them. Being a mom is a big commitment, and I fully acknowledge that it is a task I am not willing to devote my life to.
3. “What’s the point of getting married if you don’t want children.” What does my commitment towards my future husband and values of marriage have to do with having children? We didn’t wake up one day and decide that children would be the underlying justification for our marriage. Clearly I didn’t realize that marriage was between a man, a woman, and their future babies.
4. “Is something wrong with your relationship?” Why does something need to be wrong for us to not want children? If you wanted to know the state of our relationship, you can ask without offending us by suggesting that because we don’t want what you want, there must be something wrong.
5. “That’s so selfish of you. Do you know how many people want children but can’t?” I’m sorry, but when did my wants and desires have anything else to do with the wants and desires of others? I don’t expect other people to take interest in my interests, I would hope that others would allow me the same respect.
6. “But children are the greatest thing in the world.” This is your opinion. My interests include traveling, our pets, exploring, cooking, and my career. If someone told me “I don’t have interests in travel,” I wouldn’t turn and say, “But traveling is the greatest thing in the world,” as though trying to tell them that their opinions about traveling is wrong. I expect that same respect in regards to my opinions about children.
7. “Who’s going to take care of you when you get older?” You’re right! On a planet with 7 billion people, I bet I won’t find a single person who offers some sort of service to take care of elder people, I’d better start having babies right now to secure the opportunity to be taken care of in my future (please sense my absolute sarcasm in this statement.).
8. “What happens if you accidentally get pregnant?” This is a whole other matter that I most certainly am NOT willing to discuss. I don’t know what will happen, but one thing for certain is that it is not, and never will be, up for discussion because it is no one’s business but mine and my fiance’s.
9. “Do you have something against children? That sounds prejudice.” Pick something you don’t like. Maybe it’s loud college students. Maybe you don’t like to be near people who smoke. Now take the question you just asked me and insert your dislike in place of “children” and see if that sounds prejudice.
10. “Oh, remind me to never bring my kid around you.” Not being a “kid person” does not mean I can’t be around kids. Just because I choose not to have kids of my own does not mean I’m a monstrous barbarian that you need to shroud your kids away from.
11. “You don’t know what you’re missing out on.” I have no doubt that being a parent is a wonderful and fulfilling experience for you. But to suggest that your experiences are better than mine is not cool. I love my life! The reality is that I could say the same thing to you, that you don’t know what you’re missing out on by having children. But I understand that we each hold different ideals, so I’m happy that you have a family and get to do those things that bring joy to you. Now please show me the same respect.
12. “Everything changes when you become a parent.” I am well aware that everything changes when entering into parenthood, which is precisely why I have chosen not to have children. I am perfectly content with the life I have and do not wish to welcome change in the form of parenthood.
Everyone has the right to live their life to how they see fit. Your choice to become a parent does not give you the right to tell me what my choices should be. Stop assuming all women should want babies and start accepting that everyone has different goals in life.
