I personally love shopping and consider it somewhat of a competitive sport. Retail will always be my favorite form of therapy (and I have the credit card bills to prove it).
Christmas shopping is a vastly different (read: dreaded) experience. Every year I promise myself I'm going to be super organized and get all of my shopping done by Thanksgiving. And every year I fail miserably at it.
Here are some of the same thoughts I have every year on December 24th as I start my gift hunt. Nothing like the last minute, right?
1) Why didn't I just do my shopping online instead of spending an hour circling this mall parking lot?
2) That guy got into his car to leave 5 minutes ago. What could he possibly be doing in there? NAPPING?
3) Screw it, I'm leaving. I'll just explain that nobody's getting gifts this year because the mall didn't have enough parking to accommodate my vehicle. Better luck next year.
4) Finally, someone's leaving! OF COURSE the spot is a good mile away from the mall entrance. There's my cardio for the day.
5) Who's gift should I look for first?
6) Ohhh, H&M. I could really use a few new dresses for the holiday season. My closet vibes have been a little bit stale these days.
7) NO, FOCUS. I'm on a mission and it doesn't include a new wardrobe for myself.
8) My brother had said he wanted a new pair of Jordan's. That's easy, I'll just pop into Foot Locker and grab those real quick.
9) THESE SNEAKERS COST HOW MUCH?! Are the shoelaces encrusted with diamonds? Does that price include a Michael Jordan meet & greet?
10) Maybe I'll just make him one of those old school coupon books where it's full of tedious shit that no one wants to do-like "good for one free room cleaning" or "one free car wash". But then I'll actually have to do those things for him..
10) FINE, I'll buy the Jordan's. I'm seriously the world's greatest sister. I deserve some sort of a trophy for this. Maybe I should leave the price tag on them so he knows just how selfless I am.
11) Ohhh, Sephora. I could totally go for a new lip gloss. Maybe a new eyeliner and perfume…let's see where the makeup-wind blows me.
12) Um yeah, there's no way I'm standing on that line. WTF, are they giving Kylie lip kits away for free or something?
13) Okay, I'm going to go into Macy's to get mom a new robe. She LOVES robes. The weirder the print on them, the better. I should customize one with my face on it so she thinks of me every time she wears it.
14) How is it that every year I forget her size?
15) Mom's been hitting those Soul Cycle classes hard lately. A medium looks just snug enough. It's a robe, it doesn't have to fit perfectly, right?
16) Why are there screaming children everywhere in this store? This is better birth control than my IUD.
17) But seriously, where are their parents? Who leaves these little crib midgets unattended to cause mayhem in a department store?
18) Now what should I get for Dad? Anything he wants, he buys for himself. Maybe a tie? Or did I get that for him last year? Whatever, you can never have too many ties.
19) Am I too old to get my picture taken with Santa? Maybe one of these parents will let me rent their kid for an hour so I have an excuse. How else will Santa know what I want?
20) I forgot about my "work wife". Is there anything I have at home that I could re-gift?
21) Oh yes, that scented candle that smells like ass with a hint of vanilla. She'll love it.
22) I'm so glad I'm single. It's a real money saver during the holidays.
23) Maybe I could ask Santa for an emotionally stable, employed boyfriend who just so happens to look like Zack Efron with his shirt off. I've been good this year, I think I deserve it.
24) Okay I'm officially broke. What did I even buy?
25) Shopping is exhausting and now I'm starving. Where's Cinnabon? I'm ready to enjoy all 8,000 of those calories.
Happy Holidays to you and yours!
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