As human beings, some of our worst fears involve losing those we love. Imagine waking up to earth shattering news, being in utter shock and disbelief and going through the next few days as if you were in some kind of long, terrible nightmare.
That is only how I can imagine my boyfriend felt on a cold November morning in Michigan, waking up at a friend’s house to a phone call that he had lost both of his parents, and his family dog in a fire at their home.
When this happened, my boyfriend and I were not yet together. Our families were close, but at the time, I didn’t know that I would end up falling in love with him just a couple of years later.
Being with someone who has gone through an awful tragedy can be challenging at times, especially if you are like me and are a very empathetic person, but sometimes find it difficult to find the right words to say out loud.
Throughout our time together, because of what he has gone through, I have altered my outlook on certain things. I have learned and continue to learn about the best ways to be supportive with my gestures and words, even though many times in a situation like this, there just are not any words.
1. Don’t say, “I understand”… More than likely, you don’t, and you probably would never want to completely understand.
Everyone goes through different things in their lives, of course, and most people have had to experience a loss of some sort. But that doesn’t always equate to a sudden, tragic and life-altering event. Either way, everyone processes things differently, has their own timeline of grief, and has their own perception of their experiences.
You cannot perceive things from their point of view; you can listen, and try to put yourself in their shoes in order to be an empathetic partner, but you will never fully understand how they feel or what their life is like after that kind of experience.
2. When they want to talk about it, encourage them to do so… So many people have difficulty talking openly about a tragedy they’ve faced, and openly getting emotional about it, but in a relationship, those are important things to be able to share.
As their partner in life, you must let them share their feelings, especially when they have gone through a traumatic event. Even if you don’t always know what to say back, it is so important to listen to and assure them that you want to hear the things they want to share with you.
3. Don’t be afraid to show emotion about it yourself… Even if you won’t ever fully understand what they go through on a daily basis, when you love someone, their pain becomes your pain. Their joy becomes your joy. Their sadness becomes your sadness.
When my boyfriend gets emotional when he talks about memories of his parents, I always do too. It is important for them to know how much you care and that you are always there for them, unconditionally.
4. Lastly, you will learn to appreciate what you have… I cannot begin to imagine losing my own parents, my home, and almost all of my photos and memories. When someone close to you has lost so much and talks to you about it, you cannot help but be overwhelmed with gratefulness for the people in your life.
We tend to forget that we are not guaranteed another day, even though there are constant reminders of this. You cannot say “I love you??? too much to your family, friends, significant others, etc.
Tell the people you love how important they are to you while you have the chance; the last thing you want is to wake up one day regretting that you didn’t, and no longer being able to do so.