My son was born 7.5 weeks early, so he spent a month in the NICU (and therefore so did I). It was scary. It was stressful. It was overwhelming. Time seemed to stand still. And emotions were running wild. Here are 7 emotions of a NICU mom.
- Regret: I felt regret that I drank that cup of tea, went to the chiropractor, walked too much, etc. Anything that could have led to my son’s early arrival.
- Guilt: I felt guilty that my son had to go through this experience instead of being warm and cozy in the womb. Or warm and cozy at home with his family. I also felt guilty that I wasn’t there next to my son every minute of the day and night.
- Anger: I felt angry that my son was in the NICU. It wasn’t fair. In the first few days, friends and family were sending best wishes and notes of “Congratulations!” It didn’t feel right to be congratulated for the hand we were dealt. (Of course, what were they supposed to say?)
- Hurt: People said stupid things. One of the medical staff told us that the staff was my baby’s parents now and that we would take over when he was released from the hospital. This really pissed me off. He was my child. (How dare you take that away from me!)
- Grief: I was mentally unprepared for my experience in the NICU. I mean, who plans to have a baby early? I felt robbed of my pregnancy journey. I had to grieve the fact that my pregnancy was not going to go full term. That I wasn’t going to be able to hold my son next to me after the birth and cry tears of happiness that he was just so perfect. Basically that all of the romanticized fantasies of a perfect pregnancy, labor and birth were over.
- Sadness: I wish I had gotten help earlier. I didn’t realize how sad I was until about 3 weeks in and finally went to see a therapist. Talking helps.
- Angst: I had a lot of questions that made me anxious. Was I helping or hurting his progress by trying to nurse or help with the bottles? Why was it taking so long to get him home? What was the doctor’s plan for my son? Will my son have medical or mental problems later in life? The therapist helped me realize I needed to speak with the doctor and get answers to my questions. This was so incredibly helpful, I wish I had done this in the first few days.
The NICU was an emotional journey – and one I will never forget.
