1. Dark circles around my eyes
I wake up every morning, exhausted.
Due to honestly not giving a shit the night before (Again, thanks to exhaustion) I wear the makeup from the previous day. Trying to be a health adult, I decide to take a shower. Everything is going fantastic until that one drop of water happens to hit my eye perfectly, causing me to frantically rub my eyes forgetting the mess I am creating.
As I step out of the shower and look in the mirror, all I can think is, “Well shit.”
Even after removing all of the makeup, the dark bags under my eyes scream, “Hey, look we are twinning to my good friend Ricky the raccoon.”
2. Stay up all night
Boy, o boy there is absolutely nothing that I love more than staying up all night to do the most avoidable tasks like refilling, already half full sippy cups, and letting the dog go to the bathroom even though she really only wanted to sniff aimlessly around the backyard.
As soon as I think that I am ready to go back to sleep, poof. I feel wide awake. Not only did I become a mother when I had my son, but I also apparently became nocturnal.
3. Eat junk
I would like to say that I am the perfect Martha Stewart, Oprah, or (Insert your favorite perfect female inspirational cook here), but let’s face it, just like good old Ricky, again I eat more junk than I like to admit.
In the morning, you can find me scurrying through the cabinets to find any type of food that I can stuff in my pocket before I pack up the kids and go to work.
For lunch, I am scurrying to, again, find something quick to shove my face with so I can get back to work.
For supper, after spending time preparing food setting the table, and begging everyone to come eat, I seem less than hungry.
In the end this leaves me to dig through the cupboards and freezer to eat the good old ice cream and junk food that I stored on the top shelf so the kids couldn’t find it.
4. A little chubby
Let’s be honest, I eat junk food more often than not, and my idea of calorie burning is stressing out over every aspect of what I am not getting done. I would love to look like that perfect mom that is running her jogging stroller down the street rain or shine; however, instead I am at home arguing about cheese and changing diapers with my child at home. I may be a little chubby, but who needs a beach body once they have kids anyways.
5. Hairy
Due to sharing my shower time with an angry child who doesn’t want to be splashed it makes it difficult to get my legs shaved. When I get out of the shower, someone is hungry, crying, or in general lonely and need constant attention. Not going to lie, sometimes things get a little out of control, but it’s just a little extra something to keep me warm right?
6. Will fight if provoked
Running on junk food, little sleep, and a shitty attitude, you bet your bottom that I am at my breaking point for most every conversation that I have. My blood pressure is just waiting for a reason to be provoked and start an argument. Whether it’s at the grocery store, driving to work, or cooking supper at home, when provokes, I am ready to fight.
7. Extremely territorial
When it comes to my home and my family I am extremely territorial. You see that man? That is mine, and if provoking me please see the point I made above. I am the same way with my children. If you decide to bully them, hurt their feelings, or talk down to them, I will be there. Waiting.
At the end of the day, even though I relate more to a raccoon than I do other humans, at least I am still pretty cute.