When I was with you…
I didn’t post pictures of myself because in your eyes that was slutty. I didn’t talk to my guy friends because they all clearly wanted in my pants.
If I stayed late at work it obviously meant I was actually flirting with someone else. I was always worried about how long it would take me to get home because you use to time me and if it took me too long I was clearly out seeing someone.
With you… I didn’t hangout with my friends because lord knows there was boys there and I was obviously flirting with them. I didn’t dare disagree because I was dumb and you were ALWAYS right. I wasn’t allowed to be mad if you were out until 4 am and smelled of alcohol and smoke.
When I was with you…
I wasn’t allowed to be mad that you had girls kissing your cheek on Snapchat. I wasn’t allowed to say anything about the pictures of you and another girl. I wasn’t allowed to freak out on you for texting a girl. I couldn’t do that because it was nothing or I was overreacting. I wasn’t allowed to have a voice and if I did I was obviously wrong.
I believed you when you said you didn’t cheat on me even though I had been cheated on in every serious relationship I had ever been in and I knew the signs.
With you… I had to tell you that I looked at other guys and flirted with them bc if not you were going to make me walk 30 miles to get home. You swore I was talking to someone else and when I said I wasn’t, you were going to make me jump out of a moving vehicle. And when I refused you waited until we were in the middle of nowhere and pulled over and through my stuff in a field and told me to tell you the truth or else you were going to take my phone and make me walk home.
When I was with you… I told everyone that my relationship was healthy. But to everyone else it was toxic and I never saw it; I never wanted to.
I told myself you loved and that you cared. But you didn’t. There’s a fine line between abuse and you being angry. And you crossed it many times I just never noticed it until now.
So without you… I may be free but I am not fixed.
Without you… I may see all the bad but I still love you. And that’s the painful thing about this all.