A letter to myself
There are so many things I tell myself that I just wish I could believe. I am writing a letter to myself to apologize to myself for all of the horrible and idiotic things I have done in my past. I am apologizing to myself and asking for forgiveness just like I do when I apologize to my friends and they forgive me. They hug me, kiss me, and tell me they understand and that they will always be there for me. That’s what I want to do to you. I am so sorry for the decisions that I put myself through, both physically and mentally. They only way I will move on is if I can accept this letter as a peace offering and move on from what has been done. Three years ago, a year ago, a month ago, gosh, even last week. I want you to know that I understand why you did the things you did and that it’s okay. You were searching for a way out…but also a way in. You needed to be loved, and you also needed to escape, and you did that in the few ways you knew how (granted, they weren’t the smartest things you decided to do to us, but you did them anyways and for that, its okay). You were trying to heal your sadness, you were trying to exert the pain and hide it and pretend that it did not exist. You were trying to feel happiness, and for that, I do not hold any blame. I forgive you self. You made a few mistakes along this crazy road, but the battles you have over come could not be conquered without the mistakes you made. You learned to work around them; you learned what was working and what was not. You also learned that the path you once chose and were once leading was the completely wrong path for you and you got off as soon as you could and for that, I envy you. I am proud of you. We are doing it, we are forming the path to the life we want to reach. Its crazy, the things that we have gone through, and not everyone could have handled it the way you have. Be proud of yourself, whether or not people are proud of you. You are the only one that matters. Nobody knows how hard it is to battle their own minds everyday unless you they are going through it. For the people who aren’t going through it, how can you even think to let their opinion affect you the way you have all this time? It’s like telling someone who lost a leg to just walk again…..(trust me, if it were that easy I think I would be)
You have fought, you have bled, you have picked yourself up the cold hard body of the bathroom floor when everyone else left you there to bleed and you survived. You have kept moving forward, you have accepted the apologies from people who did not deserve it, yet you cant forgive yourself for just strictly trying to survive? That sounds a little crazy if you ask me. You are a human being, you have made human mistakes…and that alone should be reason enough to forgive yourself. You can get a clean slate if you allow yourself. You are sorry, you have learned your lessons and now you get to start over. You are the only person who gets to decide these things. Allow yourself to smile, to breath, to be consumed with positivity and drown yourself in the happiness that can now come with finally allowing yourself to be free from the chains that you have shackled to your own wrists and ankles. You are forgiven, self. For being a human being and making the same decisions and “mistakes” that so many of us have and will continue to make. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are doing great. Yes, we have may have lost some people that we care so deeply about, but you can always love them and be there for them even if they have moved on from you. That is a trait that not many of us can carry. Do everything you want to do and continue to do so. This is your time. Look at how far we have come. We have worked so hard to get to this point and now, here we are, at one of the biggest stages of your life, self-forgiveness. Only you get to decide where we go from here. I think with the path we are on, we will be all right. Remember, you will make more mistakes; you will have days when you beat yourself up, but do not let that last for any longer than an hour. But we will continue to learn from these mistakes to help guide us even further into the right direction that we want to be on. You know the type of person you are, and you know the type of person you want to be. Do not lose sight of that. We have lost our self a little while ago but here we are, fighting for the person we know. I forgive you. I promise you, no matter what anyone else has to say about you, I will always be the person there for you. Besides, I have to be…you are stuck with me for the rest of your life and you better start liking me now. You will be alone for most of your life, so you do not need the acceptance of others to carry on with your life. Plus, we already have our soul mate. And, as a matter of fact, you have two. And that just shows you that even with all of the life choices we make, you will always have the loves of your life by your side.
You can do this. We can do this together. We’ve got this. Your past decisions do not define you as a person; it is how you come out from them that defines you. How you handle things and how you treat others. You are to full of life to be half loved. You love everyone with all that you have to offer and it is sad because these people are not doing it for you. Forgive yourself for letting people treat you poorly, forgive yourself for loving the wrong people, and forgive yourself for allowing people to love you wrong. Move on. Its okay. I am here for you. I love you. I know you tried, and will continue to try. Its okay to get sad sometimes. I know you do. I know that sometimes all you want to do is cry and you may not even know why. Its okay. You have gone through so much and are continue to go through so much everyday. You push yourself, at work, in relationships, in working out. You put to much pressure on yourself and you are never fully satisfied. You are too hard on yourself. You let your emotions of feeling alone or unwanted carry over you and sometimes you just need to hug your mom and lie with her and have her take the pain away. I get it. I am going through all of it with you. But please, just remember, we will survive this just like we survived everything else. Please remember that I love you. I care about you. Cant that be enough? At least for now, you are allowed to cry. You are allowed to feel sorry for yourself, but again, only for an hour. Take time for yourself. Tell people how you are feeling, and don’t you dare feel ashamed about it. Don’t you dare be afraid to hold back your feelings or thoughts because you don’t want to “bother someone”. People ask for a reason, and if you tell them and they didn’t want to know, then that will teach them a lesson on ever asking anyone again. Tell people what you are feeling while you’re alive. Just be honest. Your feelings matter, they are valid. God, they are so important, and I am so sorry that people don’t understand them. You will meet very few people in this life who do understand, but when you find the ones that do, hold onto them. You are allowed to be sad. Please, cry when you need too, but then keep going. Do not let your sadness hold you back. You can be sad, but you must keep moving forward. We wont go back to that place we once were. I refuse to let us fall back down that rabbit hole. Not everyone is going to understand what we are going through, and that’s okay. Its not there fault..they just don’t understand the hardship and the pain that one faces when they cant physically see it. When they can not see what is causing the pain, they do not understand how hard it is for someone. I know you are trying, but please do not let the mind win. We can do this. We will be okay. We are going to be okay.
You have me. We’ve got this. I forgive you. Now, lets have a glass of wine and put it behind us for the rest of our time together.
Love always,
Self
