- I didn’t even drink that water; I just poured it into my body.
- He’s not even cute so I don’t know why everyone loves him.
- I am busy catching flights so I am not in a position to date anyone.
- I want to smoke a cigarette and I want to be happy about it.
- I would stop smoking weed if I had a pool.
- Fail quickly.
- Fuck equality, I need to be worshipped.
- I can always tell you’re drunk by how many times you hit me.
- I hate doing anything that requires fine motor skills.
- I need someone to just fix my body. I literally need someone to pull and stretch me and put me back how I am supposed to be.
- I wonder what time it is in Finland right now.
- I prefer to do acid because it doesn’t make me as nauseous.
- Of course I laughed at my own joke. It was funny and I’m funny.
- I’d rather be myself and fucked up versus being medicated and normal.
- People are nicer to me when I have a beard.
- You can’t impress your boyfriend with a George Foreman, stupid.
- God, arguing with you is like playing chess with a pigeon. When I win you still shit on the board and strut around like you won.
- I want someone to look at me the way I am looking at this necklace.
- I don’t understand how I’m not sick of pizza yet.
- Some bitch stole my debit card number so they’re protecting my cash.
- If you fuck up then you’ll end up with a kid—that’s as bad as getting shot.
- If I actually cared about you thinking I was drunk, then I wouldn’t come over drunk.
- I get drinks bought for me all of the time, that doesn’t mean I have to talk to the guys buying them.
- Someone told me that God was probably a lesbian.
- I don’t want to waste this beer but I also don’t want to drink it.
- I can’t wait get through my first marriage because I’ll make a great ex-husband.
- I’m learning to control myself; it takes a lot of Xanax.
- I feel like shopping for a baby is as useless as peeing on a forest fire.
- How many chicks do you think I can get with that shirt? All of them.
- I try to be a good person but it’s really hard.
- I would rather date someone who is nice and stupid.
- I over did it at hobby lobby today.
- Don’t shit talk applesauce individually.
- Speed bumps? They don’t matter.
- You are filet mignon; he’s just a vegan.
- You’re supposed to kiss more people than you fuck.
- Do you know how hard it is to find neon pink décor?
- The idea of me working out is like drinking detox teas and having sex with a waist trainer on.
- I left my phone in the fridge again.
- Giving up your time for others is so depressing.
- I can’t miss my first opportunity to finally use my Taser on somebody.
- I don’t have time to take girls on dates; I want food for myself.
- My opinions are facts.
- Everyone needs a “Let’s Get Lit” mug.
- Your wrists are hot air balloons with nothing in them.
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