To my children, now and in the future. If you ever feel on the outside please know this.
When I was little I thought I had a great family. I had an older brother who was cool. A mom who worked hard but still managed to be there and did it all on her own, she was superwoman to me. A grandma who loved me and was always there after school to help with homework (mom was at work). And a bunch of family members who really cared about me. I had a few memories from when I was really little of big birthday parties and trips to the park, but most of them were from pictures and home videos. I had no complaints. I was happy. My dad wasn’t there and my mom gave us reasons why he wasn’t and why we didn’t see him. As I got a little older things changed. My brother and I fought more, so did my mom and I. Nothing bad just the normal brother-sister arguments and the normal mother-daughter arguments. My grandma was still the same, supportive and understanding no matter what. Some family members had gone their own way and didn’t really see them much anymore. I did have one best friend and we were so close we were more like sisters which was awesome since I only had a brother and she was an only child. Her parents loved me like their own and I got to go to lots of cool places with them. My first concert was Shania Twain (look it up) and it was thanks to my best friend and her parents. Now not to knock my mom, she always saved and took us on vacations which was really fun. Then I started to hit my teenage years and that’s when things really changed in my life. I hated my brother and we fought a lot, sometimes we threw some fists at each other. I stopped getting along with my mom and we had more and more disagreements and arguments. I wanted to go hang out with my friends and not be home, but always had to check in and be home at a certain time. But my brother didn’t, he just left the house without saying a word. What cause he is two years older then me it’s ok? Can I do that in two years? Why does my mom question me all the time and not him? Is it because I’m a girl and he’s a boy? Well of coarse since I felt that he got special treatment I started to rebel against my mom. The normal things like lying about where I was and who I was with, staying out late on purpose, and yes sneaking out. But as the years went by things never changed, my brother was the golden child and I was a burden. Even when my brother got into trouble and spent 6 months locked up I was still the bad kid. So I started to hate living in my house. I remember one day my mother and I were arguing and she said “you were a mistake and I never wanted you”. Those words burned into my memory and to this day I can still hear it like she just said it. That's when I knew for real that I was the one everyone wished wasn’t there. When I was able to drive I was never there, always out. I did everything I could to avoid being where I never belonged. I moved out when I was 18, spent almost 3 years away from her. Until things with the guy I was living with (my at the time boyfriend) got so bad I had to leave. So there I was back home again and even more miserable. I had very bad trust issues and didn’t understand what love was really like, because of that I went from one horrible relationship to the next. And always telling myself that I was happy and the “he loved me”. One day out of no where my cousin on my dad’s side got in touch with me. My dad was sick and they wanted to do the right thing and let me know. After a very long debate with myself on if I should see him or not I decided that I would. I needed closure and needed to know why he left me and never cared. When I got to the hospital I was swarmed with hugs and smiles from family who hasn’t seen me since I was very very little. My dad was very very sick and in and out of conciseness but when my aunt (his sister) told him I was there he smiled and in that instant something changed. I spent the next few days with my family talking about everything and finding out the truth, finding out my mother lied to me all those years. I was crushed knowing now that my father loved me and tried to be there but my mother kept him from me. And it hurt even worse that by the time the truth came to light my father was dying and we could never be together. He passed away and I'm thankful every day that I was there at the end and got to say goodbye and tell him that I love him and that I know it’s not his fault. But everyday since then I have hated my mother for stealing all the time I could have had with him. I was so torn apart that I stopped caring about everything, including life. I went on a drinking bender and stopped going to work. Then one day an old friend told me about an account she made for me on a dating website. I laughed and thought it was nonsense. She messaged a guy she thought I would really like pretending to be me. I played along and started to talk to him and after a few days I couldn’t believe how much we had in common. We met and there was an instant connection, something I never felt before. It was love, real love. We got married after only a month and a half (yes it’s crazy). I was finally really truly happy and I finally found the meaning of love. We had a son, who is the most amazing little boy ever. And after getting to know his family and becoming a part of his family I found out what it felt like to belong to a family and be loved. I am thankful everyday now for my husband and his family. They showed me what it’s like to be wanted in a family and to be truly loved. I lived 26 years being the outcast, the black sheep, unwanted, and unloved. It hurt and cause what will probably be permanent damage.
So to my children I promise you these things. I will always love you more then ever. I will do everything and anything in my power to make sure that you never ever go one day feeling the way I did for 26 years. And I will never keep anyone who truly loves you away from you. I will give a life far better then mine.