“Abuse” is defined in the Webster’s Dictionary as “improper or excessive use or treatment”.
However when I scroll to the word “abuse” in my own dictionary inside my head, I see a picture of your face glaring back at me.
I remember the sharp words you spoke to me and the way disappointment and hardship became a part of my everyday life.
In my own dictionary, “abuse” is defined as something you will regret letting yourself go through.
Something you will live with for the rest of your life, even as you learn to love and trust again.
Something that will make your mind believe is just normal behavior.
Even months after you walk away and refuse to let your experiences define your life, you will cry. You will hurt and you will hate.
You will beat yourself up with the question of why you were never good enough, why you were never worth being kind to.
You will ask yourself what you did wrong, and how you could’ve gone about it differently to avoid the hurt.
You will spend months trying to rebuild your mind and beliefs of how relationships are supposed to work.
You will beg for yourself to be heard, even when you no longer have to beg.
Anyone who treats you with kindness will feel like a fairy tale, and you will wait insecurely for the first time they explode on you.
Waiting for bad things to happen will become the “norm”. Wincing and shutting down during arguments will become a practiced habit.
However, even though that is how I define abuse, I also define it with some positivity.
It will make you greater appreciate good, honest love.
It’ll teach you that in order to have good, honest love, you must first love yourself so that you can allow yourself the kind of treatment you deserve.
Between the tears and mental breakdowns, you will see beauty in yourself.
You will learn to love your emotional scars and see how they have taught you important lessons in life.
A new sensitivity will develop within you, however you will lose your gullible ways.
You will find strength and independence within yourself.
Regardless of the fact that you can’t change your past, you can learn from it.
The way I see it, you can ran from it and hide, or you can embrace it and let it make you stronger.
