You opened the car door for me, and as I got inside, you said you had changed your mind and now never wanted marriage. And if that was something I was hoping for with you, well then…
I cut you off. I was trying so hard not to let my shock of what just came from your lips to show; to not stumble on my words. I made some sort of lighthearted joke, and then spent the rest of my afternoon with you forcing a smile on my face while deep inside my heart was breaking.
I felt stupid. Heartbroken. Angry. Disrespected. You knew full well that what I want more than anything is to one day be married to someone I absolutely love. We had talked about it more than once.
I knew you were hesitant at the idea of ever getting married again, but had no idea you had made up your mind so finitely about it. I thought when you had, you'd sit me down and have an honest, open, and caring conversation about it.
I deserved that much from you.
Instead I got to have my hopes crushed in the parking lot of a fast food restaurant, with you saying it about as casually as you would mention that you just purchased a new pair of shoes.
What made it worse were that these were hopes I didn't even have before you. They were hopes that you built up within me, hopes that you flat out gave me. I wasn't crazy, I hadn't fallen for someone that wasn't on the same page as me.
You had been, once. But you decided to slam the book shut completely, before ever getting to the end of the story. You decided to end our story before it even began, and for that, I'm angry.
I'm absolutely infuriated over the fact that even though I have been through hell and hurt before, I was willing to take a leap of faith for you, but you won't do the same for me.
You were feeling things, real things for me, and then you just turned it off. Like some kind of switch. I don't know why or how, but you chose not to let yourself fall for me. You made the conscious decision to close yourself off to me and what we could be.
It wasn't as if I was expecting to marry you, have children, and live happily ever after tomorrow. Hell, not even next month or next year. But knowing that I was opening my badly damaged heart, which I was beyond reluctant to do, to someone where that future was a possibility, was what I needed.
Yet, in one sweeping motion, you threw those cards off the table and undermined everything I thought I was potentially building with you. You made me feel disregarded and like the ultimate fool. Utterly and completely stupid for thinking that maybe it was possible to have my happy ending.
I've done everything right. You constantly tell me how good I am to you and that you're happy with me. So then why have you put a wall around your heart, and have refused to let me in? I can accept uncertainty, I can accept needing time; I'm patient and willing to prove that I won't hurt you.
But what's the point if you've shut that door to us, and thrown away the key? I love being with you, I adore spending time with you, and I don't want it to end. But that's the problem, isn't it?
The more I am with you, the more I want you, the more my feelings infiltrate every fiber of my being and begin to solidify and become a part of who I am.
I'm hoping to be your rock, your foundation, when in reality all I might be is a stepping stone. A place holder until something better comes along.
Your actions and words have hurt me deeper than I've ever experienced. The barrier you've put up between us in tangible. Still, the last thing I want to do is let you go.
And here I stand on this precipice of hope and despair, wondering which way I should sway. I don't want to be someone's way of passing time. If there's no future for us, than so be it.
But I really think there could be, if you'd only give it a real chance.
I love you. Please, let me. Let me love you.
