When I was young I started stuttering out of the blue and I couldn’t look people in the eye. For a long time I thought I was an introvert or just extremely shy. This didn’t happen with everyone I talked to – mainly it happened with my family. It wasn’t until I took a business leadership class and we talked about the Myer-Briggs ideas that I realized that I was an extrovert and my actions were consequences of dealing with a whole family of extreme introverts.
We are the people that love introverts and the insight that they bring into our lives, but we’re unsure of how to develop that connection. The five love languages help us to a certain point, but introverts pick up on cues when we’re not trying to express our love and that makes the biggest difference. We’re not aware we’ve done anything wrong until they ignore us.
Since then I’ve understood the needs of the people close me, I’ve been able to narrow down some situations that have created misunderstandings and how to prevent those from happening.
1. Don’t Play Pranks on Unsuspecting Introverts
This one was one that gave me the most trouble. Pranks are the greatest offense to an introvert because being caught in unawares is like being caught with their pants down. We’ve given them so little time to formulate a reasonable reaction that they get offended. And what extroverts think are funny, candid reactions that we can laugh about later, becomes humiliation.
That’s not to say that you can’t play fun pranks on introverts. When you do play pranks, give them some warning. For instance, instead of surprising them with a water gun soak session as soon as they get home, leave them a note explaining that you have a gun that you’re using it in T-5 seconds (and that they need to run). Maybe even give them an extra gun to make them feel comfortable.
2. When you live with one, don’t talk about negative stuff for more than 20% of the time.
From the moment we walk into the house, the average introvert feels their energy drain. If they don’t go back to their room, they’ll sit with you and talk for a little bit. Don’t let that fool you. A simple conversation is more draining for them than a deep conversation. So when we talk about our irritating coworkers or bad professors, it drains more of their batteries.
When they take the time to talk to us, reward them with positivity. Talk about the great things that happened, and don’t forget to ask them about their day – and mean it.
3. Learn how to occupy yourself quietly.
Talking is a major part of what makes us happy, but sometimes our friends need a little peace. A big thing about introverts are that they enjoy the company of others, but they might not enjoy the unpredictable nature of our conversations. Read a book with them in the same room and try not to overwhelm them with talk. Gauge their feedback and talk in correlation with their patience. If they banter back, talk. If they don’t, refrain. Once they know we can give them some peace, they’ll come back to us. Trust me.
4. When we ask how they’re doing, put an emphasis on a different word.
What I mean is, mean it. Small talk is the most frustrating thing on their list. So make that small talk into a big talk. If we say it a different way (i.e. slower, with more emphasis, etc.), they’ll answer more enthusiastically. Sometimes it might take a few prods, but keep at it!
5. Be patient when they think we did something stupid.
By the nature of how we express ourselves, we come off ignorant. We say things as they pop into our minds and sometimes they are unprepared remarks. Take a moment (before they walk away) to explain. That way they won’t have a whole day to build cases and collect mental evidence of why we are so foolish. It will help in the long run.
6. ALWAYS warn them when invading personal space
Don’t ever barge into their territory without warning. They will brush us off, but don’t take it the wrong way. Let them come to us. If we want to make a late night Wendy’s run, text and ask before knocking. If they want to, they’ll be the ones to come to us. Remember, it’s not just their room, but it could be their office, gym space, anything.
7. Text before a call
Sometimes it helps to text them before calling. Keeping in touch with an introvert long distance is hard. They screen our calls and may not welcome the unexpected news that we bring. Give them warning ahead of time and only call when they give us permission. Sometimes all they need to do is hype themselves up for us. As long as they have the ability to charge beforehand, they’ll pick up more of our calls.