Why?
When I woke up in the morning next to the empty condom wrapper, I couldn’t even cry. I was speechless and astonished. I kept telling myself, “this didn’t happen. not again. no no no no.” Then it hit me, I was indeed raped, again. You broke me down and took advantage of me. As soon as I saw you the morning after it happened, the flashbacks hit me. I remembered you entering the bedroom when I told you to leave. I remembered telling you to lay on the floor because the bed was mine. Did you listen? No. You said, “You’ll be fine. You’re just drunk, relax.” Then I felt your hand on my back and I jumped out of bed. I ran towards the door screaming, “I don’t want to be raped again, stop!” What was running through your head? It’s as if you knew I was vulnerable and unable to do anything. I reached for the door and you pulled me away saying, “Nobody is going to rape you,” as you began to.
It’s funny, though, because your friends all blame me and say it was my fault. What you saw was a drunk college girl going to a party, looking for some what. What I saw was a young college girl just trying to have fun and after go to sleep. Society puts the blame on me, though, because I was drunk. Society doesn’t care about the part where I cried and begged you to stop. I had tears streaming down my face as I tried to fight my flashbacks away. No, society doesn’t care about that because I was just a drunk girl who wanted to have some fun. Society doesn’t call it rape, they call it consensual sex because I never actually said the word “No.” Instead I said, “Stop.” But don’t those mean the same thing? I guess not.
After all this happened, you made me a stronger person. I am most definitely not thanking you for what you did, but I have learned to be stronger than I was before. No longer do I let people take advantage of me. Whether it be from lending them money over and over, to letting someone do what you did. I hope you do know, though, that you did not take my dignity. I am who I was before, stronger than ever. I wonder how you live with yourself knowing what you did. Some answers I may never get, and I’m okay with that. My only question is, though, why?
