Dear Boy,
I’ve always imagined writing this to you and in some variations I have, but this time it will be final and for the first time I think I’m finally realizing this is the end of “us.”
For a long time you were literally what I revolved my whole life around and looking back it was wrong and so so pathetic. I chose you over my friends and my family, time and time again. I am in no way blaming you for the poor decisions I made, it just shocks me how much control I let you have on me and my life. The past three and a half years, I have been at your beck and call and you knew it. You knew when you called me at all times of the morning and night that I would jump in my car and speed right to you, or that every time you quit talking to me or blocked me that it would crush me, over and over again. The sad part is I knew that you knew, but you didn't care about me or my feelings. I was always making myself an available object for you at your utter convenience. When I first started hanging around you I knew you were trouble and everyone tried to warn me, I didn't listen I wanted you. I tried forever to be the one you wanted, but I never was, I always came second or last. In some screwed up way I tried to justify you not wanting me, I began to make myself see something good in you that wasn't there. You never wanted me, just my body and I even tried to change that to suit you.
You and I have gone through somethings that should've made me hate you, but I couldn’t no matter how hard I wanted to. I tried to cut you off, but in my head you owned me, when I started realizing how bad it was I tried to play you with your own mind games. It seemed to work for a while, then I found myself still thinking about you when I knew good and well I hadn't crossed your mind. I went as far as mimicking your games with other guys, I started playing everyone like you played me and it only hurt me. You constantly wanted me to feel like you could do so much better and for a long time I thought you could, until I got myself together and realized how much I had to offer and all the stuff I did for you that didn't require taking my clothes off. You took myself worth and I let you have it without a fight. I still blame myself for giving you the power I did, but its what you did with it, so it can’t be all on me.
All I ever tried to do was love you, but you wanted no part of that. You only cared about you image and the image of whoever you were with. What everyone else thought of you was so much more important. You wouldn't let me go even when you knew I couldn't give you what you wanted. When I started pulling away you would switch up your little games, giving me false hope that there was a better person in you, and if there is you're saving him for someone else. I just can’t believe after all this time this is where I ended up. All the time, effort, tears, and money I wasted on you came back to do nothing, but prove a point God tried to show me a long time ago. I just couldn't get your words, laugh, or voice out of my head long enough to listen to the truth. Even though I cant waste anymore of myself looking, I still believe and hope there is a better man somewhere in you and that one day some lucky girl will get him. I also hope that lucky girl isn't one you've cheated on with me.
So, let me get all of my “thank you’s” out of the way, yes surprisingly I do have a lot to thank you for. First of all, thank you for showing me what NOT to look for in the next boy I fall for. Thank you for teaching me the traits of an "F Boy", to not let someone control how I feel about myself, that I cant force someone or buy someones love, and most of all thank you for helping me find myself again. Most of these things or well all of them you had no intentions of me ever learning from them, but I did. All the hell I allowed myself to go through for you taught me several life lessons. So, thank you.
Well, here we are…. I’ll spill it all out now.
I guess we can start with some words I’ve come close to saying – usually when drunk – but have never actually said, I love(d) you, well at least I think I did or maybe still do? That is once unsure statement out of all of this mess. I don't know if what I felt for you was love or not… or if it wasn’t, I’m not sure what it was or is. I’m calling it love, one-sided, but almost positive love. I’m not sure when I realized that I felt this way or why, but I felt it for sure. I guess, it was when all the little things you did or told me to hurt me or make me jealous, actually started hurting and making me question myself. It just took me too long to make it reality that you tried to hurt me and make me jealous, but it wasnt because you cared about me. You did it to get your own satisfaction out of my misery, that I allowed you to cause on my life. I always thought that when you were out of high school and in the real world, you'd grow up. Again, that was just wishful thinking, here you are going on four years out and collectively you're the same now that you were then. Which is fine if you wanted to be, but you've claimed to have changed and grown up, you haven’t. It isn't my problem, I just wanted more for you even if I couldn't give it to you. Also, it may not being coming off this way, but I am in no way trying to down or demean you. I am grateful to have had you in my life, in a sick twisted way, still grateful.
So, this is it… perhaps the most important part; the goodbye.
Oh my how crazy it is that I’m finally telling you this and meaning it. Anyway, in many ways this is hard for me, for so long you've had such a enormous impact on my life, but its time to let go. I put this off over the years, but this time I’m going off to college a few hours away, not that far I know, but my life will change. Everything I’ve known here will be paused and I really don't have any plans of starting it again. When I leave to better my life and myself, I am leaving the pain and heartache this place has brought me behind, including you. I’ve played scenarios in my head about this change in my life and how it would effect whatever we were doing and the truth is we were doing nothing, we were kids screwing around waiting for something bad to happen and it did, but we still kept on. These scenarios I have are the same as the ones I came up with when you got out of high school or when I got out of high school, that in some way it would change things between us, deep down I knew and still know it won’t. So, I still have feelings there and I always will, but I am at the point of acceptance, which means I can finally cut my ties. I’m sure I’ll still have thoughts and wish that it turned out different, or that I lived in a fairytale and in the end you'd realize it was me, but you wont and it wasn’t. Here I go, starting my life and making something of myself. I’m going to miss you – mainly the sex but ya get it. As I start my journey I hope yours leads you somewhere, too. I pray you get it all figured out and you stay in college and graduate, I pray your dreams come true, and I pray that you find a girl and that you’re ready for her. When the girl comes, I hope you know she's the one, I pray that she never has to doubt your faithfulness and most of all I hope there isn't another “me” sitting on your sideline waiting for that drunk call or any call at all. I pray for you happiness and mine, too.
Goodbye….
Ps. Please don't hit me up on Facebook in 10 years give or take, I’ll be successful and established.
