Dear Nice Guy,
There's this distance between us now that I wish didn't exist. You were the thing I didn't think I needed when I had you. And now, I realize I do need you and don't have you. Actually, I can't have you.
Because she has you.
And boy is she a lucky girl…
You were a breath of fresh air compared to the guys before you. And yet, I did what I do best… I pushed you away. Several times. I let you go. I let go of one of the best things I could've had…go.
Anything that seems too good to be true in the actions of a 'nice guy' sends me running in the opposite direction. Why? Well, I wish I could tell you.
Maybe it's because I'm use to chasing someone that isn't ready for me to catch them. However, you…you were standing right at the end of the chase, with your arms open wide. Ready to fully embrace me, and accept me for the person I am.
When it came to you, I didn't have any flaws.
You would look at me with such content…like you could look at me like that for the rest of your life.
I know what you're thinking…Why on earth would I let something like that go?
I was scared. I was scared to be vulnerable. For someone to see me raw, exposed, and still love me despite any actions I chose to take. You helped me through one of the most difficult experiences in my life: my mother's death. And I can't thank you enough for that, and yet you're not here to listen.
Unfortunately, I had so much going on inside my head that was wrapped around my mom that I couldn't put all my effort into you and that's a shame. Yes, that's not an excuse but every time I pushed you away, you pushed back.
Maybe there was part of me, subconciously, that wanted to move on from those experiences dealing with my mom and you happened to be a part of that. Maybe I just wanted to move on from all of it…including you. Maybe that's why I fought so hard to not make it work when in reality, it worked just fine. I was the problem.
Maybe it was too soon, or too crazy, or too much for me to comprehend but that didn't stop you from loving me. You put all you had into us and I regret not doing the same.
Maybe I wasn't ready to put my single life on a shelf just yet.
I can make all the excuses I want yet I should've just let you all the way in.
Now that time has passed, I've realized how good you were to me. How much you loved me. How you would do anything for me and yet you couldn't bring yourself to hate me even for breaking your heart.
As you said, there must be a reason we kept going back to each other… and now it's too late for me to go back to you. Because somehow, I don't think you'd take me back.
You pushed me to open up to you. You pushed me to act myself around you. You pushed me to realize what love should be like. You pushed me to love you, even the things I didn't like.
I want to thank you for that…
And what did I do?
I only pushed you away.
I let you go.
And now I'm constantly trying to reach for you…
Sincerely,
The Girl With A Loose Grip
