Gas-light:
A form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions.
Before I met you I was a strong, well spoken, confident individual. I knew where my morals rested and I stood up for what I believed was right.
Before I met you, my eyes were bright and my soul was fresh.
Life was easy, and I was happy.
But you ruined me.
You didn’t start off this way. You were fun, carefree, and your presence lit up the room. When I met you I thought I hit the lottery.
You made me feel excited, happy, and a little bit of danger in the best way.
You made me feel like I needed you. Like life wouldn’t be as illuminated without you.
But boy was I wrong.
I loved you, and I will probably never love someone else quite like I loved you. And I don’t want to, because in loving you, I lost myself.
I sunk into the darkest depths of love. It consumed me, and I stopped loving myself.
I gave you everything.
And you took it. You would take and take. And give nothing in return. My happiness started to rely solely on yours.
If you had a bad day, I had a bad day.
If you were sad, you made me sad too.
If you weren’t happy, no one could be.
Some of the fights, I knew in my heart that I was right. I would carefully think of ways to communicate to you. Desperately trying not to offend you. But it didn’t matter.
Without fail, every. single. time. you would manipulate me into thinking that you’re right. Each time my self-esteem and self-worth would crack and crumble. I questioned my sanity more often than not.
Every day I would look in the mirror and not recognize the sad, broken girl staring back at me. I became a stranger to myself.
I used to look back and wonder why I stayed for so long. And now I realize it’s because I accepted the love I thought I deserved.
You made me feel like I was weak, ignorant and unlovable. You made me feel like you were the only one that could ever love me. And I believed you.
I believed that no one else would love me because even I had stopped loving me. And that was MY mistake. A mistake I will never forget.
You broke me.
But I’m stronger now because of it. I’m not going to feed your ego and thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson in self-worth.
I’m also not going to build up a wall to barricade out every other man that walks into my life.
That would be me continuing to let you win.
And I won’t give you any more satisfaction.
I know that not every other man is like you. And I know my worth.
I hope you find your worth. I hope you come face to face with your demons and see all of your wrong doings. I hope you learn from them, and I hope you feel regret.
And I pray you never cause another poor soul to lose herself by loving you.
