I cried all the way home. I cried myself to sleep. I cried myself through the work day.
I didn’t mean too.
But I did. Because hours before I suddenly felt like I was losing someone I cared about so very much.
And in those moments I wished I could stop time. I wished I could make you feel what I was feeling because words just weren’t enough.
So here’s the ultimate truth in the best way I can explain it:
There was a moment I looked at you, unaware, all cuddled up in bed watching a movie and thought “how could I possibly want more?”
I knew we were nothing more than really good friends who didn’t want to be alone. I knew that. I did. And that was okay with me. As long as I had you next to me.
So I unknowingly got my hopes up even after I told myself not to. I fell harder than I should have. And I was hooked on an idea that I couldn’t possibly be the only one of us feeling this – and all of that is my fault.
I listened to the person who questioned my emotions. Telling me I couldn’t possibly know what I wanted because I hadn’t dated a lot of people. And I wanted to prove that person wrong so much.
Because that’s what make this different. I don’t let guys in and when I do it’s a big deal. I keep my heart guarded. Locked up tight unless I know that person is worth it. My intuition doesn’t usually steer me wrong. And then at that point, any risk is worth it in order to get closer to them.
So I sat and I thought and I asked and I tried to figure out if this could be anything but what I’ve been feeling. And nothing.
Now I have to sit here and figure out why this hurts as much as it does. More than any other heartbreak. And why you mean so much to me.
It’s not because my dating track record isn’t a long one, and I’m getting my feelings mixed up. It’s not because I’m young and haven’t experienced enough.
It’s not because so many people told me we were perfect together. Even before we ever became a thing.
It isn’t because of any of that.
It’s because of who you are. You are kind and honest and adventurous and patient and just nerdy and weird enough to keep me on my toes.
You can make me laugh. And not just a giggle or a chuckle, but actually laugh. And the way you yell during sports games is pure entertainment. Not annoying or bothersome or embarrassing.
You know how to calm my mind and ease my heart. And you always seem to know exactly the right thing to say.
You sit with me for hours just waiting for me to talk and then listening whole-heartedly when I do. Never once making me feel like my words are unimportant or too much or awkward. Which is beyond comforting, and rare to find.
And being comfortable with someone almost instantly isn’t something I take lightly. It’s not an easy feat for me. So to feel both comfortable and safe with you, I knew I was in trouble.
Feelings I had for other guys all of a sudden didn’t make sense. What I thought I was feeling for them, is what I actually feel now.
And it’s so very different.
With them, I think I just enjoyed the attention and the idea that someone might actually find me intriguing.
It was an instant physical attraction. Not a friendship like ours that grew into something else. Something that was much more mental and emotional, even though the physical was there.
And even the physical was more about the connection, not just what went on under the sheets. It was the fingers intertwined, the hand on the leg, the backrubs and cuddles, and the fact that it never felt close enough until some part of our body was touching the other at almost all times.
I don’t know how else to explain why this just felt so different. Just trust me when I say it did.
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