Imagine wanting something so badly it consumes your entire life. It's the only thing you really want in this world- that's how passionate you are about it.
That's how I have always been about raising a family. There wasn't a career path I wanted, or money, or fame, it was quite simple when you think about it- babies.
I have always loved children. I baby-sat all throughout high school and middle school. I was actually a nanny for a spell.
I volunteered to tutor when I was in high school and me and my best friend coached the little kids cheer squad.That was, and in a lot of was still is my life.
My niece, the oldest one, was born when I was 16. Since then, the dream of one day having a family of my own only grew stronger.
That is a dream of mine that hasn't, and never will die. Of this I am sure. But after thinking about it, and the reality that surrounds it, I don't know if I am willing to let that dream become a reality.
Understand that I do not make this decision lightly, or without considering all of the facts; and the facts are exactly why I am reconsidering my decision about having children of my own.
When I was 21 I was in a terrible place in my life. Then I started having daily migraines and pain all over my body. At first I thought it was depression. But then, after I moved past that terrible point, it didn't go away.
Actually the pain only continued to get worse. And it wasn't just pain, I was exhausted all of the time.
It wasnt until it really started interfering with my life that I made the decision to go to the doctor. I could hear myself as I talked about the pain I was experiencing and I sounded like a drug addict seeking pills.
It wasn't just me that thought that either. Judging by the look on the doctors face, he wasn't to sure I wasn't just trying to get pain pills.
But, he did run every test under the sun. Like I'm talking about they took a ton of my blood. Good thing too, because everything came back perfect.
I seemed to be just fine as far as the test showed. I eventually was diagnosed with fibromyalgia- something I had watched my mother battle with long before there was anything that they could do about it.
I was younger than most people who are diagnosed with it, but I took comfort in the fact that even though the medical community doesn't know much about it, they have figured out a few things.
The medications they put me on worked. I was doing so much better! I was really feeling great, then at 22 I almost died in a car accident.
I suffered two broken femurs, a broken scapula, head trauma, nerve damage. You name it, I did it.
Flash forward a year and a half later, after three months in the hospital and physical therapy since I'm doing alright.
One of the medications they have me on post-accident have caused me to put on weight. I can't not take the medication because I'm in severe pain if I don't it like I should.
Only problem with gaining weight, it puts pressure on your body. My legs can't it. They hurt unbelievably bad.
A lot of the medications I'm on aren't safe to take when you're pregnant. They're going to have to figure it out. It will have to be something planned, not just between my partner and me, but between my doctor, my partner, and myself.
There will be no spontaneous pregnancy for me. Everything has to be planned. So that everything will be alright.
Not only will I have to come off the medications, I have had another fibro flare and done some research.
It turns out that there is a lot of evidence that suggest that fibromyalgia is hereditary. That it is something in the genes that causes it to happen.
I know how bad my pain is. I know what it is like living in constant pain. Can I honestly create another life knowing that I would be asking them to go through the same thing?
Is having a family worth the pain I will feel from the nerve damage because the medications are unsafe? Its not like I am promised to get pregnant right off the bat either. It could take months! Or God forbid years.
I would gain weight and excess fluid in my pregnancy. I mean duh! Right? But my legs can't take the weight now, let alone when I'm carrying another person inside of me.
Honestly? I would endure the pain. I would gladly go through all of that hell if it meant having my family. Getting what I've always wanted.
Children are the most precious thing in the world. How could I not be willing to go through it?
I would be. If I could be positive that my child isn't going to have to fight the same battle I am. It's a losing battle too. It's never going to go away. The pain might disappear, but it will always come back.
How can I ask someone to go through this, fight this fight, so I can make my dream come true? I can't.
But that doesn't mean that my dream of having a baby of my own has died. It certainly doesn't change my desire for a family. All it does is make me wonder if it's worth it.