I used to be afraid of the darkness. The way the moon rose and shadows cast their essence upon the stars, made me fearful of what was lurking under the misty leery fall skies. I would lay awake at night unable to sleep as my mind did nothing but wonder about the demons that plagued the night.
The thing about darkness is, it’s so thick that once it comes upon you, it’s all you can see. And for me, for the longest time, it was the only thing that held onto me.
Depression is a peculiar demon to fight.
It overshadows the lightest parts of your mind, and it kills the smallest once of joy in your heart. You feel almost as if your mind is drifting further and further away from your skull, and like you are lost in a constant haze of cloudy smoke. How ironic it is, that smoke is a brutal toxin that kills your lungs slowly and steadily, until one day they no longer function or work on their own. Though one can inhale many forms of smoke, depression is the most brutal of them all.
You can’t see it. You can’t hear it. You can’t smell it. You can’t even touch it.
Unlike nicotine, depression isn’t inhaled by others around you. It doesn’t kill like second-hand smoke does. Why? Because it’s invisible to everyone else. Depression and all of its beautiful demons are hidden beneath the surface of someone’s mind and heart that barely holding on by a string. It attacks one’s soul and doesn’t let go until that one soul is gone. It’s not a virus that comes and goes. It’s not a temporary battle that’s easily won.
No, depression is an illness.
It’s a disease that kills the most beautiful people and most intelligent minds. It tars good people apart and turns them against themselves. The battle against it is so real because you’re not battling something that can be healed with one pill. You’re ultimately battling against yourself. Two sides of yourself that are both weak yet strong. Neither one will give in, yet the darkest feel more tangible causing you to slowly give away more and more of who you are to it.
Before you know it, it’s all you know and nothing feels like it used to. Nothing makes you feel alive and happy anymore. You become a walking shadow that just goes thru the motions every day. Never resting, never truly working. Just a cloud of a body masked by a facade you have to put on for others, but deep down you are a crumbling foundation that can no longer stand on its own. Where has the real you gone?
You don’t recognize my reflection in the mirror.
Your body is growing weaker and you can’t seem to find a way out of this hole of lowly sorrows. You drown my pain in whiskey and take the pills the doctor gave you. But it never gets very far. You find yourself sinking lower and lower into a cave with no escape. This sickness just won’t seem to go away. You thought by now I would have found the cure but, there seems to be none. Maybe tomorrow you’ll try harder, you tell yourself in the mirror. But we both know as long as you stay where you are, that try and change will never come.
It is time for you to get u off the floor and use your legs once more. Time for you to take your broken bones and deep scars of nights pasts and turn them into something beautiful, something whole. You can’t sink anymore. You know you’re holding yourself back. So put the bottle down. Stop relying on pills to make yourself feel better, and find yourself again. I’m waiting for you. I never gave up, and I will never let you down again.
And I’m sorry I failed you for so long.
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