We have lived a life most know nothing about. A life where love is a scary and volatile concept. It isn't sunshine and roses, but thorns and monsoons.
To the broken yelling and raised voices are a part of a typical conversation and something we are accustomed to. Threats are as common as a hello and fear of retaliation and consequences have made us hesitant to assert ourselves or lead in any way.
We know fear all too well. Being scared and afraid is part of our daily life, surprising us at times we least expect it.
To us, everything is a manipulation. Words have a double meaning and sweetness is never as it seems. Therefore, preparation for the worst case scenario is second nature.
Because hurtful words and name calling are typical, to be called a name or insulted is a customary part of disagreements.
To the broken guilt is a feeling we deal with daily. We think guilt is just a fact of life and because of that we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders and then ask for more. We’re in a constant state of wondering if we let someone down and trying to make up for it.
We’re quick to take blame ourselves. It is our fault someone looks our way; we dress too provocatively in our tank tops to draw others in on purpose. To not need approval for clothing or conversations is a brand new concept.
And to us an apology is everything. When things have been at their worst an apology has always been how it's repaired. No matter what damage was done, an emotional band aid was always administered and things were good as new.
To survive we think we have to study people’s mood around us and naturally over-think their actions. A simple bad mood can become huge in our heads, anticipating looks and dispositions have always been how we get through each day. We’ve taught ourselves to be beyond willing to bend over backward for other people and be compliant make it peacefully through another hour.
We are not easy to love. I commend every single soul who has tried or loves someone who has been abused. There are days when things are normal and the cracks and holes don't show. You can't imagine what years of emotional abuse can do to you inside and out. You can't imagine the lies we will tell, the things we overlook simply because we want to be loved so badly. The broken are the ones who have been through hell and made it out.
Being broken can be beautiful and strong.
We have been torn down, built back up, and endured more than most and despite that, or maybe because of it, we are resilient. We love with everything we have. We appreciate the tender touches, the loving words and the simple kindness.
For as long as I can remember, I have longed for a life I had control of. I wanted to wake up every morning and be excited for my life. I wanted to feel strong and happy. I wanted to seek adventure and discover new things. I wanted to feel alive. After so many years, and making decisions that were not my own or made out of fear and desperation, I am living a life I have control of.
Because of my choices, I get to wake up every day to a person who genuinely loves and who has seen my shattered pieces and took glue to each and every single one of them to piece me back together. They have given me a voice in my relationship and makes me feel equal, something I have never felt before. They gave me the strength to keep fighting through each day.
I had never been in control of my life in such a way before and they could have said no but, they gave me that choice. They aren't threatened by my strength, they celebrate it. They don't speak to me as a child, their words are always filled with love and kindness.
They love me as I am, pieces and all.
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