Growing up I’ve had a lot of “almosts”. Step dad, babysitter, family friends. But I’ve also had a lot of “me toos”. Mostly boys, I say boys because you can't call these men, I didn’t know well, at parties or fires. I drank a lot when I was younger. I was the baby of 6 so going out with my older siblings was exciting and “fun”. I passed out in a lot of places I don’t remember. And I woke up to a lot of boys on top of me I wish I could forget.
For years this was my fault. I was being young and dumb and shouldn’t have been drinking let alone getting black out drunk. I must have “let” them do it b/c I didn’t know it was happening, right? It was ok because they didn't know I didn't want it until I woke up to push them off. Wrong. So, very wrong.
Then, I woke up to who I thought was a friend on top of me in a car in the driveway of someone’s house I knew and trusted and had been to so many times I lost count. When he was done I got out of the car, walked into the house and crawled into a bed until the next morning when I called my mom to come get me. I didn’t dare tell her what happened. How could I? I’m her baby. If I told her about this one person would I have to tell her about the maybe dozen of other men who had violated her little girl? When I got home I went to take a shower and remembered I had my period and realized that my tampon was still inside me, pushed so far up it took 2 days for it to fall back down. I felt like the most disgusting thing, not even a person, for what seemed like forever.
I held that inside for a few years until one night I went with my brother and boyfriend back to the house for a party and he was there. Instead of leaving I stayed, sober and let my brother and boyfriend get stupid playing beer pong and when it was time to leave I grabbed his case of beer and dumped out what I remember to be 15 or so behind the shed and left. I’m not sure why, maybe I thought if he didn’t get drunk he wouldn’t want to rape another girl sleeping in a car? When we got home I told my boyfriend why I was so distraught that night and he, of course, told my brother who, of course, wanted to go back but I said no. He wasn’t worth my brother’s fists, his energy, or the few minutes it would take to go back. He just wasn’t worth it.
I recently found out he was getting married and having a baby. My first thought was to email his soon to be wife and tell her of the terrible thing he did. But I decided that everyone deserves a second chance and maybe he had changed. Hopefully he had changed. I forgave him because I needed to let myself have that little bit back. For me, I forgave them all. It will never change what I still feel inside when when I think about the things I've woken up to, but to hold onto a burden as big as hate for all these years take a serious toll on a person's soul. All I can do if forgive the people they used to be, the people I hope they no longer are and pray that there were no other girls like me.
Here I am 12 years later and I have two beautiful girls and I am terrified to let them grow up. I’m terrified to let them spend the night somewhere, I’m terrified to take them anywhere alone with a lot of people, I’m terrified to let them have friends because of what I did with friends when I was younger and what happened to me.
I needed to tell my story because I know a lot of girls, and boys for that matter, who are going to want to drink, and party and have a good time. Sometimes too much of a good time, and I don’t want them to provide too much of a good time for someone else at their own expense.
I want everyone to know that even you do have too much to drink and are too intoxicated to move, no one has the right to touch you. There is not one person in this world that has the right to do things to your body without you telling them, VERBALLY telling them that it is ok. PHYSICAL consent is not a thing. No one can ever say “they did say no” or “they’re the ones who got so drunk, they put themselves in that situation.” Or “They should have known this was going to happen.”. And most importantly, it is not your fault and it’s not my fault, it is their fault and only theirs.
Yes, I made the decision to drink and keep drinking and even after the first or second or third time I still drank. I regret that every single day of my life, but it is still not my fault that those boys felt it was ok to craw on top of me. It didn't make me "easy" or a slut. It made me a drunk and that is the only fault of mine, but even a drunk still has the right to his or her own body.
I still grew up a strong woman. I've had my bad days, as does every women, but it's not because of my abuse and as long as I have my strength the good will always out weigh the bad.
