Even on the brightest of days, there is a cloud hovering over my head and it won’t go away.
Friends are starting to disappear because they can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. But the truth is — I’m depressed. I wake up one day feeling ok, but then I have bad days. The worst part is — I can’t even begin to explain why I am feeling sad today or why I’m in a bad mood.
I think that’s what frustrates my friends.
They don’t know what to do or how to help, so they just distance themselves even though the last thing I need is to be isolated.
It’s so hard not to scream and plead for them not to go or to not get frustrated with me. I know that I can be hard to deal with at times, and I’m trying my best to hide it from everyone.
Maybe they’ll just think something happened at home. Maybe they’ll think someone pissed me off. Or maybe, just maybe, they won’t pay any mind to me because I always have a resting bitch face.
I wish I could find the words to explain to them that I feel like I’m drowning — I am slowly sinking and I don’t have the will to fight anymore to come up for air.
I am succumbing to my depression.
My worst fear is that they’ll think I’m crazy. Or they’ll leave because they don’t know how to handle it. No one wants a Debbie-downer in their group of friends.
Little do they know, the number one thing I need is for them to be there — even if it is just to tell them little things about my day. I need to feel like I have a purpose. I need to feel wanted/needed. I need someone to tell me it’s going to be ok — even if I don’t believe them. I need someone, anyone.
It won’t be until late at night when I will drown myself in tequila to not feel the pain. The next day — I will try to put on a brave face and smile so no one has to bear my burden.
And so the cycle continues…
