in

Dad, we might not have been close, but I'll always love you

Dad, 

I’m sorry that I’ve learned more about who you were after your death than I ever knew while you were alive. I look back at pictures of you holding me or looking at me, and I can’t help but wonder what it was that made us become strangers so easily. Did I remind you too much of mom? Did you think I just liked her more? What was it that triggered you to stop looking at me like you did when I was little? I ask these questions like I still expect an answer from you. I never took the time to try to solve this mystery while you were alive. And maybe I should have. But maybe I also didn’t want to face the truth. Because no matter what the answer to why you did what you did was, you still did it. And I am still not okay with that. 

I don’t want you to think that I blame you for anything in this. I don’t. Somehow, even after all of it, I love you now more than ever. I just wish I could understand why you left me the way you did. What was it that was so much more important to you than being able to see your little girl grow up? Why would a father ever allow anything to come between him and his children? No one can answer these questions for me anymore. 

People say I favor you more than I favor mom. I like that. I like knowing that I can hold on to what you looked like just by looking in a mirror. That I can walk around and remind people that you may have left us, but your memory still lives on inside of me. I’ll hold on to that as a good thing. 

Really dad, I’m okay. I want you to know that. I know it was important to you. I know you were proud of me. And I know now you’d be even more proud of what I’m doing and who I’m becoming. I’m sorry that we weren’t closer when we still had the chance to be. But I’ll hold on to the memories I have of you, and I’ll make sure to never let that die.