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Dear Alcohol, We Need to Talk

Jim, Jose, Jack, all of you –

As much as I look forward to hanging out with you every weekend, I think it’s time we take a break.

This moment has been a long time coming.

Perhaps it was the fall in the shower last weekend, the addition of 15 pounds to my already out of shape physique, or the zeroes flashing at me from my bank account.

Before you cry and attempt to get me to give it another shot, [pun intended]  let’s get some things out in the open:

1. There have been times when you’ve given me the confidence that I need.

But it’s time for me to find that on my own.

Sure, you always made it easier to scream the lyrics to the song playing, shake my booty, or go strike up a conversation with the cute guy across the bar. Or how about those texts telling off the former douchebag boyfriend, or the fifteen missed calls to the boy from psych class? You make me feel like Superwoman. But the truth is, I need to learn how to feel that on my own. You can’t go through life navigating with a bottle of wine. Why? Because you’re unpredictable. I could end up exactly where I want to be in this life, or I could end up shoeless in the basement of a house I’ve never seen before next to a majestic effboy.

I’d rather conquer the world on my own than let it conquer me.

2. You make me feel good for a few hours.

But when did that become enough?

You’re definitely not worth the day of pain that follows. Standing up and looking in the mirror after a morning of hanging out with you guys usually comes with a “Holy Shit,” a pounding headache, and a reminder of what the last thing I ate was. Sure, those couple of hours were fun, but what about the times that you publicly embarrassed me? You have stripped me of my dignity more times than once. The thrill of a few hours is not worth the irreparable damage to my reputation and relationships. Also, enough with the crying. You make me feel like some sort of giant woman child. When the fun stops, the tears start.

I’d rather have the thrill of a lifetime than the thrill of a moment.

3. Meals are a little less lonely.

But my waist and thighs sure wish you weren’t invited.

Is an entire pizza at 3am really necessary? Or how about those god awful burritos from across the street that you know I would never think about getting if you and I hadn’t been hanging out. For every hour that I spent at the gym, just a few minutes with you ruined it. You disguise yourself as my number one cheerleader, but you’re really the reason I need any cheering at all.

I’d rather push myself than be pushed.

4. You teach me responsibility.

But also how to be repulsively immature.

You taught me to tip the bartender, hold onto my purse, dance the night away while not leaving my drink available to strangers, and how to be up for 8am class. But by “up,” I mean going to class in my pajamas and smelling like a mini bar, or simply lying in bed knowing that I should get moving – but we’ll just turn on Netflix instead. Neither are really productive.

I’d rather do something I should do, rather than just something that I can do.

5. You are my rock.

But also my downfall.

When nothing and nobody else was there, you were, but for every sound decision you helped me make, there were two more clouded ones. Even though you helped me get over him, you really are just like the boys of the past. The guy who is bad news, yet I keep coming back to you. While you make for a great companion, I can’t let you be my crutch.

I’d rather rock my own world than let you rock everything in it.

You have been the friend behind some of my best stories, the reason for so many laughs, and the foundation of so many friendships. While I’ve enjoyed our countless nights together, a little time apart will do us some good. I’d use the standard “it’s not you, it’s me,” but honestly, it’s a little bit of both of us. I’m not saying that this is a forever thing, I’m just saying that things will be different from now on. While I will forever be a huge fan of yours, I need to become a fan of myself in order to continue this friendship.

Cheers to seeing each other soon! XOXO