When I look back on my marriage I see so many things that I never saw when I was in the marriage. I was married 10 years, and we were together a total of 12 years. When I got married, at barely 20 years old, I knew that I was marrying the love of my life.
Our marriage endured situations that were not typical in a marriage. We had two children of our own, but about a year after we were married we took in my three younger brothers as well. We were young and in way over our heads.
We went from a family of 4 to a family of 7 overnight. It was a strain that definitely pushed things to their breaking point more than once. He never once said they had to leave, but I knew that it was all taking its toll on our family as a whole.
I have always said that my children, all of them, were the most important thing in my life. And while many will disagree with me, the most important person should have been my husband. Yes, my children and my family are VERY important, but at the end of the day the ONE person who swore to you love you is your spouse.
The kids will grow up and start their own lives, and your spouse will be there when they leave. I think that especially when there are kids it is so easy to lose focus on each other. Rarely is the time taken to appreciate each other. We drifted apart and became strangers living in the same house.
Sure, it wasn’t all bad, in fact, the good times were REALLY good. That is probably why it lasted as long as it did. I knew I loved him, but I am not sure that I was good at showing it. Communication was non-existent and any conversation ended in an argument. We got lost in a cycle of hurting each other because we, ourselves, were hurting. Tit-for-tat became the norm and nothing was ever easy.
I know that marriage is a lot of work, I get that. I could have stayed in my marriage til I died, but I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t communicating with him anymore. I wasn’t feeling the love that I needed from him, but I also wasn’t giving it to him.
My heart shattered in a million pieces when the marriage ended. I felt like a failure. I felt like I let my kids down. I had promised them a family when they were born and I failed to deliver it. I wanted to live happily ever after, but it wasn’t for me.
My divorce taught me that even on the toughest days you have to push just a little harder. You have to love even when you don’t want to like them. You must make them a priority. You have to communicate, in a positive way.
Marriage is about being vulnerable enough to know that they could hurt you, but trusting that they won’t. It is about working together as a team. Being the biggest cheerleader on the best and worst days. Give everything when you feel like you have already given your all.
I know that I was a good wife, my ex will even tell you that. J I could have been better. There is always room for improvement. I never want to watch my kids go through the pain of a divorce again, neither mine nor their own. I am hopeful that the things I learned in my divorce will keep me from ever hurting like that again.