Heartbreak can mean many things. Whether it’s a relationship ending, death, major life change, or really grief or loss of any kind.
All of the sudden your life is split into a “before” and “after.” Before this event occurred, my life was like this. Now, after this event, my life is like this. And suddenly our entire lives become a series of “before” and “after” and depending on how significant or painful, it can change us forever.
The problem with me and others like me is that my brain has this amazing way of functioning so highly through the pain. It’s like when my heart is hurting, my performance at work is through the roof. My meals are prepped and packed for the week, my laundry is done, that one thing I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t, finally gets done, etc, etc.
I would be fine all day and handle my shit with ease all while thinking I was doing better and then crawl into bed at the end of the day and suddenly soak my pillowcase in tears practically paralyzed with feeling.
The reason this can potentially be a problem is my processing was saved for little spurts. I would be fine all day and push the thoughts aside and then when I was sitting in traffic on the freeway in silence, it felt like my heart was in my feet, I could hardly breathe and had to pull over.
If we just stay in survival mode, days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months of us just “surviving” through the pain instead of actually healing. We don’t allow ourselves to really feel it in the moment enough because that fight or flight part of our brain won’t let us go there.
I was the ultimate “I’m going to set that aside for now and deal with my feelings later” kind of thinker.
So to the other heartbroken but high functioning souls out there, don’t let your natural desire to “just deal with it” or “make it just go away” stifle your opportunity for healthy processing.
I have found that when I allow myself to lean into the moments of pain and really allow myself to feel it, it helps me in the long run. No matter how unpleasant in the moment.
I’m not saying ugly cry in the middle of the grocery store or in a meeting with your boss (your highly productive and overachiever self wouldn’t let you do that anyway). But what I am saying is find a way to allow yourself to grieve each day.
Journal. Say your feelings out loud to yourself. Say “okay I’m feeling this coming up so for the next 10 minutes, I’m just going to lean into it and allow myself to really grieve” and if that happens five times in one day, that is okay.
You will notice that as you give yourself permission to really grieve, you will heal as much as possible faster. But not in the fake, cover up, you’re all over social media kind of way.
But in the real, authentic way that our hearts deserve. Healthy healing happens when you allow yourself to walk through the pain. Ignoring and setting it aside is easy. Feeling it is hard.
It’s not wrong to naturally want to push things aside. It’s our brain’s natural way of keeping us out of a permanent fetal position in the corner hiding from the world. But know when your survival mode is hurting you more than helping and honor the moments you need to let your heart take over for a while.
Short thoughts on a big subject, I know. But I only say it because I’ve walked it.
We are all in the process.