Seriously don't look at me like this is my fault because we both know that it isn't. I didn't choose to wake up this morning and see the world in shades of gray while you're looking at it in beautiful Technicolor.
I didn't want to be laying here in my bed in sweats, because I know I have a lot I need to do, but right now I just can't do it.
I know I don't act like this every day and I'm sorry that I'm breaking out plans, but I really did want to go through with them. I really was looking forward to a girls night out, a movie night in, our dinner date…but as of right now I can't figure out how to stop crying and I don't even know what I'm crying about.
I woke up so tired I just didn't get out of bed. I know I've been sleeping since 5:30 PM Friday and it's now Sunday at 3 but I really can't force myself awake. I've been trying with all the coffee I can get my hands on but my body betrays me, every time, and I drift back into my night terrors where my mind somehow thinks I belong.
I know this is my 4 time cancelling this week but when I made these plans I thought I could force myself to get better. It turns out I'm not really a magician and I can't pull this rabbit out of my hat.
I really do miss you and I know I'm turning into Patrick Star because I'm always under a rock, but I just can't figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.
No, this isn't a CoCo Chanel moment. I can't just throw lipstick on and grab a glass of wine and the situation will just get better. If anything I'll get to my make up back and look at myself in the reflection of my bathroom mirror and see the sad sack of shit I always picture when I really look at myself.
I'll see failure, all of my lost dreams, every flaw I hate, the dark circles under my eyes that no concealer can cover up and I know people look at first with worry when they see me.
That is the moment I'll dive deeper into my hole and I'll push you farther away because I don't want to get better. I want to stay where I know what will happen.
Yes, I've taken my meds and yes they're doing what they always do. Sometimes I just go to this place because my brain can't fathom what the word happy means, even if I flash the Webster's Dictionary definition in front of its sunken in eyes in bright neon lights. No matter how much I want to know what happy is, it's always just out of my reach.
I know I haven't helped with the dogs today. I know they're probably just as upset as you are because I could have been giving them attention when I was still in bed crying but I didn't.
They made a mess in the house because of me, but with all of that love in their hearts I knew I couldn't face them.
No there isn't anything you can do to "fix" me, but thank you for pointing out that I am broken. I am the toy in the toy box with a missing arm and scraggly hair that no one really wants to play with, I'm just still there because everyone always hopes that they'll be able to put the pieces back together one day. Funny thing though, I'm not a toy.
Don't ask me to apologize for my depression, I didn't choose to be this way. I didn't want to cancel our plans and go hide under my rock. I didn't choose to see the world without color, without joy.
I didn't want to be the toy with the scraggly hair and missing my arm. I didn't mean to upset you by being sad all the time, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings with my mental illness.
So please don't ask me to apologize for something you and I both know I cannot control. Please just know that I love you even if I can't find the time or the words to show it to you right now, I still do.
