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Don't You Dare Ask To Be My Bridesmaid

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Weddings are an amazing day – the one day that we are told it is our special day and that it is not only okay to make it about ourselves, but expected. So, while we’re told it’s “our special day” and to act like it, it’s amazing the expectations that others will put on us. 

There are many different expectations you’ll experience as a future bride while planning your wedding. Some relatives may expect specific traditions. Some people may expect alcohol or a certain type of catering standard. Some may expect you to dress a certain way and choose a certain dress, or at least level of modesty, based on what they view as appropriate. 

This is unavoidable to an extent, because everyone has expectations whether they mean to or not. There will always be that one family member who is a little too outspoken and critical about, well, everything. There will always be that friend who likes to make it about them.

That’s really what I would like to talk about for a moment. Our friends are wonderful, and that’s the whole point of the bridal party. We want our best gal pals to be with us on our special day, because we wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone else. Bridal parties are supposed to be a positive thing and a fun experience and, for the most part, they are.

However, nothing shows a friends true colors like not being picked for a bridal party they were expecting to be a part of. Rather than being happy for you and a pretty much guaranteed invite (just as guaranteed as family), they have to make things more about them. 

So ladies, if you have a friend getting married, listen up: Do not ask her if you will be a bridesmaid. 

Your friend, the bride, a girl that you love and care about, has found the man of her dreams. She is happy with this one after the how many relationships you’ve seen her in. Please just be happy for her too. Do not set yourself up – if you do, you risk being disappointed. Then, suddenly, something that is 100% her choice is her fault if she doesn’t “pick right.”

Which brings me to my next point. There is no “right” bridal party. If the bride wants to include more family members because it is important to both her family and the groom’s family, then that it okay. If you friend wants to ask all of her housemates to be her bridesmaids, then that is okay. If she wants to ask all of her childhood friends, that is more than okay. Ultimately, it is all more than okay, it is great! The bride can pick whoever she likes – and sometimes there are more factors than you know.

If you are asked to be a part of the bridal party, that is fantastic! If you are not, that’s okay! It’s not a direct reflection on your friendship, I promise. It’s probably a combination of a lot of things. I mean A LOT. Who will complement the groom’s groomsmen? Who will get along with each other best? Who will family be wanting to be included? Who on the groom’s side will the relationship help? What do you have going on in your life that will make it difficult to commit to being in the party? (Maybe you and another girl have conflicting personalities, maybe a cousin needed to be included, maybe you have a kid and the bride knows you really need to focus on your child, there are so many reasons.)

Now, fair warning, if you expected to be a bridesmaid and were not asked, odds are you will feel disappointed. It’s okay, those feelings are natural. However, do not do one thing: do not ask the bride why you were not selected. She is under a lot of stress and pressure with wedding planning and life, and really there is no right answer to that. Value the friendship with the bride and her happiness on one day over what was probably a difficult decision she made for more than just herself. 

So please, as a future bride, I plead with you ladies: genuinely find it in yourself to be happy for your friend. Do not ask you friend to flat out be in the party, and do not question the decision after it has been made whether you get in or not. If you want to ask your friend something, ask her how you can help. She will be so grateful, trust me. 


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