I spent a lot of time trying my hardest to hate you.
And the funny thing is, while I was busy spending some much energy trying to push you out of my life, I forgot one very important thing.
You, as much pain as you caused, as much as I want to forget you, you taught me something.
You taught me how to forgive.
How to remind myself that I deserve better. Much better than you could have ever given me and that is no easy task.
It's a hard pill to swallow, knowing that I made a mistake. Knowing that I let you walk all over me, time and time again.
But in the end, I had to.
It was the only way I was ever going to move on.
And now that I have, I feel so much lighter.
My heart doesn't long for you. I used to think that no matter how much I went through, you were always going to stay with me. That even though I moved forward, there would be some nights where I still wanted to be in your arms.
Your memory, the way that we were together.
But I was wrong.
I won't lie. You were one of my biggest mistakes.
I tried and tried with you and in the end, I was left with the pieces. I was left with far less than I came in with, and I've learned that this happens.
You made me stronger.
So I won't give you the power to be a regret.
I don't want to regret loving you. Because I did.
I was crazy about you and to say anything else, I would only be lying to myself (you did enough of that for both of us.)
I just want you to know that I will never, no matter what, give you that power. You will never be one the list of one of my few regrets.
It wasn't that real.
Yes, it sucked.
It took me a little while to understand the severity of what you did and I had to learn to live with that.
Getting your heart broken, really broken, is not something you bounce back from quickly.
But you also cannot let it define you.
And so that's exactly what I'm not doing.
Now, I can look back with a smile when I talk about you. When I meet someone new, yes there will be parts of myself that I won't share with them as easily.
But I will never speak about you in a way that sounds guilty or ashamed. I won't say your name with a bitter tone because that wouldn't do any good.
I still have a place for you somewhere deep inside of me.
I'm not hanging on, I'm just learning to roll with the punches.
Pretending like nothing happened isn't healthy.
So now, all I can do is smile, pick myself up, and keep going.
It takes far too much time to regret you, to erase you, then it does to just accept what has happened and look forward to tomorrow.
Because the one thing I will not let you have is my future. You may have tempered with my past, I may be scared now, but so is everyone.
Mostly, I wanted to thank you. For doing what you did, for showing me the ugly side of falling. For being who you are.
Without you, I would never know the difference between someone who is a waste of time, and someone is truly a regret.
