I know. I freaking know. It feels never ending. It feels like a whirlpool of hopelessness.
I wish people understood what it was really like. So many people throw the word “anxiety” around. “im having anxiety about what hair color to choose” “the bachelor gave me major anxiety last night” while all those might be valid to some people, they don’t know anxiety like we do. Mind racing, heart skipping, leg shaking, palm sweating, stomach churning, head spinning anxiety. I feel like its all I am sometimes. Just a human made up of these all consuming anxious feelings. Sometimes its all I think about. Sometimes its all I talk about, and sometimes all I think I will ever be. 5 out of the 7 days of the week I feel like I’m walking on a cruise ship. My stress levels are so high my body wants to shut down, I literally have no idea how I function some days, but I have to. You have to. No matter how hard it is you have to get up and be so uncomfortably busy. I wish I could go one week without saying that word. The “A” word, its almost like a curse word to me at this point, because I hate hearing myself say it. I wonder when people are talking to me sometimes if they can see through the fake smile? I wonder if they can see me biting my lip and fidgeting with my hands? I wonder if they know that I can’t hear anything they are saying because my mind wont shut the hell up. I would never wish this on my worst enemy. Its hard to admit I do any of these things, but its even harder to pretend like it doesn’t exist when sometimes it’s the only thing that does.