If you are pro-life, please skip over this entry. Actually, I think this may give you some perspective, so please keep reading.
Everyone's experience with abortion is different, but I'm going to dig up and recount mine in hopes of helping other women in a similar situation.
To start, do you know how long it took me to say the word "abortion" after I had one? Two years. Before, I called it the "situation."
I'm not here to sugar coat things, so here goes nothing.
I was 18 years old, had a softball scholarship to play at a Division 1 university, and a fuck buddy who didn't give two shits about me. I had just completed my freshman year of college and had a record-breaking softball season, so I was on cloud 9.
I thought I was invincible… until I was late for my period.
I had missed my period, so I automatically got a pregnancy test. Those few minutes waiting for the pregnancy test results felt like an eternity. Little did I know that my world would be changed forever after those couple minutes were over. I was pregnant. My heart dropped to my stomach.
I told the guy I was sleeping with that I had taken a pregnancy test and that it was positive, and his first response was "when are you getting rid of it?" To be honest, my thought process was about the same.
I was 18. No job. No college degree. A family who would kill me if they found out. And a poor excuse of a man as the baby's father.
I never thought I would be in a situation where I'd contemplate having an abortion, but I'll tell you this much, it's not until you are staring at a positive pregnancy test that you will contemplate something that goes against all of your beliefs.
I then called Planned Parenthood to set up an appointment for the abortion. First, though, I had to go to a counseling session before the procedure so they could tell me all of my options.
But the thing was, I didn't have any options. I couldn't tell my dad or anyone else. I wasn't allowed to. The guy who got me in this situation told me I couldn't tell anyone. He also told me he'd rather die than have a baby, so what choice did I have? I had one choice: abort.
He threw money at me when he saw me before I got the procedure done, but first things first, he had to have sex with me one last time before I got it done.
I was alone when I went to get the procedure. Protesters were outside telling me I was committing a murder. I couldn't pass them fast enough.
I was surrounded by women who were in similar situations, but they at least had someone there for them to take them home and hold their hand. I, on the other hand, was petrified and tried to stay strong.
First, I had to find out how far along I was. I was 8 weeks and 3 days on the day I had the procedure. The nurse asked if I wanted to see the monitor, but I said no. She must not have heard me because I still saw it.
Next thing I knew, I was on the bathroom floor crying grasping my stomach for dear life saying "I'm sorry."
Next was the procedure. They couldn't give me any pain medication because I was by myself, which meant I was going to feel them scraping every last bit of my baby away. The pain was excruciating. I still have flashbacks of the procedure where I can feel and hear the "vacuum" suctioning out my baby.
For the next few months, I stayed in bed and cried. Day in and day out, I cried. I couldn't live with myself and my decision.
Sometimes I wonder what my baby would have been like. If they would look like me or if they would love math or sports.
I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did. However, I do know that I was in no position to care for a child. Yes, that may have been selfish and people would say I could have adopted, but that wasn't something I could live with either.
I now know that I made the right decision at the time, but not a day goes by that I don't think about what could have been.
I try to live my life the best that I can for my baby and hope that I will make him/her proud. I did/do love my baby. I loved him/her enough to know that I couldn't provide for him/her.
The only thing I would have done differently is I wish I could have told someone at the time. This was the time I needed my mom or a friend to just talk to. I had no one. If you find yourself in this situation, find a good support system. You need it.
Make sure this is a decision you can live with for the rest of your life. I'm not sure how I'll feel when I become pregnant at the right time. Will I feel sad for the baby that could never be? Will I be overjoyed? Will I slip into a depression again and have more PTSD flashbacks? I don't know. But I'm taking every day as it comes and hope that one day I'll be able to be the mom I couldn't be at the time for my baby.