“From the minute I sat down, I could feel it. I felt like I was gonna be suffocated. The last several weeks, I have laughed more, I have done more, I have enjoyed myself more, than and I finally feel free. And by being free, I can see now that constantly trying to fix us is the thing that’s been killing me slowly. And I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to fix it or fix us anymore. Maybe instead of loving you so hard, I should – I should be myself for a while. I should love me, and you should love you.???
-Grey’s Anatomy
I knew for years I wanted to walk down the aisle and see you standing up at the front waiting for me, waiting to promise me forever.
What I didn’t know then was that forever wasn’t for me. They say that when you truly love someone, there’s not a single fight you can’t get thru…that you don’t ever run from the one you love.
When we took some time apart, when I forced myself to put space in between the two of us…it was then that I felt alive. I felt free. I felt an immediate weight lifted off my shoulders.
I found after time that I was falling more in love with myself, and slowly falling out of love with you. I no longer found the need to text you, or to call you.
I no longer had interest in spending day after day with you. I didn’t find myself reaching for you when something good happened or even when something bad happened.
It wasn’t until I was away from you that I realized with you I felt ‘stuck’. I felt suffocated. I felt as if I could never do right; I could never be good enough.
I felt like my every move was judged. I no longer felt myself with you. Our fights continued to get worse and I knew with each argument I was shutting down a little more. I stopped doing the things I loved to do. I stopped putting my happiness first. Spending day after day trying to fix us was actually the thing that was destroying us.
I put so much focus in trying to make us better that I forgot why I was there in the first place. I forgot the simple things that made me fall in love with you. But that didn’t mean I didn’t love you, it just meant that I couldn’t keep doing this.
“The worst feeling in the world is when you know that you both love each other but still you just can’t be together??? – Unknown
I knew I loved you, I knew you loved me. But I also know that I can no longer fix us, I can no longer be our backbone. When I am with you, I don’t feel alive. I feel trapped, I feel numb. I feel like there is so much more that we can’t give each other, so much more that we are missing.
I want to love myself, I want to be able to be myself. I want to laugh more, joke more, and love more than I can with you.
I want to not spend every waking minute trying to make us better, I want to spend every waking minute trying to better myself.
I love you enough to know you deserve more than this; you deserve more than me. You deserve someone who doesn’t doubt you.
You deserve someone who wants to stay even when you are at your worst. I want so much more for you than me. I want you to have what I can’t give you.
I want you to have days, months, and years with someone who never has to question if they are where they should be. But most of all, I want you to live to the fullest.
“I want so much for you. For both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free, too. But no matter how hard we try, we have to realize some things just can’t be fixed.???
-Grey’s Anatomy
