Everytime I answer your text, every time I tell you let you put a smile on my face, you're lucky.
Whether we ever get back together or not, what I'm giving you right now is more than you deserve. I hope you know that. I hope you feel that. I'm not doing it for you either, I'm doing it for me.
You've been in my life for so long, that cutting you off completely feels wrong. It's like throwing away your favorite sweater because there's a hole. You can't wear it anymore, but not seeing it hanging in your closet feels weird.
You are my hole-y sweater. I may fix you, I may throw you away, but for now, you will sit in my metaphorical love closet, and honestly that's really f*cking nice of me.
I can't tell if forgiveness is inevitable because you're what I want or if you're just what I think I deserve.
For now, you are in limbo. Relationship limbo and that is what you deserve. You can be understanding, and let me figure out my next move or you can move on and make it easy on me. Ok, maybe not easy, but at least out of my control.
The only thing I know for sure is that right now I don't hate you. I hate that I don't hate you. I hate that you still smell nice and your lame jokes still are funny to only me. I always knew your weird charm was special, so it makes sense to me that walking away isn't a 'walk in the park.'
It's a 'stand still in the park.' It's a 'lay down in fetal position in the park.'
I'm entertaining the idea of you remaining in my life in some fashion, but do not think for one second that you deserve it. You don't even deserve to be the guy I ask to watch my cat while I'm out of town, which is probably a bad example because I really love my cat.
So, be grateful for what little relationship/friendship we have, because if I had the capacity to hate you, your number wouldn't even be in my phone, but it still is. Your contact name is now under "man child." (Yes I stole that from Mysteries of Laura. It was her ex-husband's contact name. I am Laura Diamond. Don't mess with me.)
I hope one day you show me that you did deserve it, and I wasn't being too nice or naive. I hope you know how lucky you are and you make an effort to show it. Prove me wrong.
I don't hate you, but you've got a long way to go.
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