I did not know the signs of mental abuse, sure the name calling and hateful arguments were just a norm for us. I thought I was deeply in love and would have given this man absolutely anything.
We spent more days mad at one another, and more nights sleeping with our backs to one another than we did anything. But, I did not want to give up on him. I did not know that he would be my downfall or that he would completely destroy me.
I did know however that I would do anything to change myself for a man who was not capable of changing for me. When I found out that he cheated on me, I knew it was time to give up and move on with my life. But, I just couldn’t get myself to do it. How could I, after I had invested so much time and energy on a man who I thought I could change?
I went back to him after listening to his lies and words that I knew could never be true. But soon after, things went back to how they were before. Name calling, fights, nights ignoring one another and endless nights of me being left crying in bed.
Things also escalated and he started using sex to control me. I thought sex was the only way to fix it. I thought sex was all it would take and maybe things would be better. So, I never objected, even if I was not in the mood.
But there were times when I was very vocal about not being in the mood, or being upset and not wanting to have him touching me at all. But, I "Had" to. It was his right as my significant other. He had a right to my body just as I had every right to leave. Right?
So, why did I stay? Fear? Comfort? Feeling as though this is what I deserved?
Who knows. I felt violated for sure, all the violence, tears, telling him to stop and gasping through saying the word ‘no’. According to him, he wasn’t doing anything wrong because we were in a relationship and I was his. I was too mentally weak to know better but now know that he had raped me and that I did not deserve it.
He said I did. Others said I did. The media said I did. Why do men get away with scarring women for life, taking away their dignity, their pride, their hope, and their being for just a few minutes of control?
You are worth it. You can get through it. You may feel so alone right now and like no one could possibly understand what you are going through, but I swear there is always someone there for you if you need to talk.
If you loved what you read feel free to follow me on Facebook to Read more.
