When we met, I wasn't where I wanted to be. I made mistakes. A lot of them. I gave the wrong people my time and effort.
And on occasion even my heart.
But you were a little lost too. And I never needed you to tell me why, I just needed you to know that whatever was troubling you, I was there.
To listen and to grow and to love with you.
The only problem was, you thought I wanted more .
More of what, I don't know. Maybe you thought I needed saving, I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay.
Maybe it was because you didn't really know me yet, didn't really ask what has happened before you.
All you did was jump to conclusions, and make all the wrong assumptions.
Just know that, when you thought all those things, that hurt me.
Because we are not the sum of the bad choices we've made, if anyone should know that, I thought it would be you.
But you didn't.
I know that you have gone through things that maybe are too painful to talk about. That maybe shaped you in ways that can't be undone.
Instead you pushed me away, created distant when there should have been togetherness. YOu made me feel like you were impossible to reach. That those walls that you build around your heart were never going to come down.
I tried and tried to fight for a spot, even a small one, and you never even gave me the chance.
I just want you to know that I never wanted you to fix everything, to make everything better because I am not ashamed of my past. I am not concerned with the scars that cover my heart because they brought me to you.
I guess you just couldn't see that.
And I have forgiven you for all the pain you have caused me. I know now that you thought I was going to need you more, that I was going to depend on you for things even you couldn't give me but you were wrong.
All I wanted was for you to be there at the end of the day. And it turns out, that was too big a task for you.
I am not bitter anymore, because I know that it over between us. I know that the more time I spent fighting for you, the more of myself I was losing.
Just know that we could have been great together. We could have helped heal one another in the smallest ways. But you were too scared to step out of your comfort zone. And I got tired.
Of waiting around for someone that would never show up.
Of pretending like every time you looked at me, I wasn't falling apart.
Because the worst part of ending a love affair is admiting to yourself that it never really started. And that's the way it was with you.
So just know that when I avoid you, it's because of all these things that I won't ever be able to say, that make sense to me, but would blow you away.
Just know that you gave me another purpose for a while. You were my reason to smile, even if it was just a lovely dream.
I hope that one day, you can let someone in instead of finding every excuse to close them out. I hope that you can learn to accept the love that you desereve, because I know it's not an easy task.
But mostly, I hope that you find whatever it is that you are looking for, even though I know now, it wasn't me.
