You said you’d be here no matter what.
You, and tons of others.
Ya know, I get it. Sometimes you can’t always be there for others. We all have our own shit to deal with, our own sadness and frustration. Sometimes it’s too much to take on other people's feelings. Sometimes, it’s just too damn hard to remember others have issues and you’re in their life as a trusted advice-giver and true friend. Sometimes our own personal problems feel as if they are much bigger than someone else’s tiny issue.
I get it, sometimes you just cant be everything. That’s okay.
But when sometimes becomes all the time, that’s when I get offended.
Because I can’t name a single soul I have turned away to help. I can’t think of a single person I did not respond to, did not care for, or did not try to help through a difficult situation they came to be with. Why? Because when I say I am a true friend, a life-long person, a person who will do anything for anyone — I actually mean it.
You can ask the dozens of people, whom I barely even know, who have come to me for advice or a pick me up. You can ask my closest friends who have called me at 4am for help. You could even ask some of the people who have hurt me the most, because even after they crushed me, I was still there for them.
It’s not because I don’t have my own situations, trust me, I do. But I honest to God find more joy in helping others and doing as I promise than I do ignoring it. Helping others helps me in a sense I guess.
But I understand, not everyone has the same heart as me. Not everyone is going to care like they say they do. Not every person I meet is going to actually give a shit about my well-being.
I just wish I would have known that sooner.
But unfortunately, I’ve just recently come to that realization. I spent a lot of time wondering what I have done to you, and the rest, for you to not care about me. I spent a lot of nights trying to come up with what I could have possibly said to make you not care. Then, it hit me.
It’s not personally me. It’s not about me. If it were, I wouldn’t have a best friend of 19+ years. If I were really that bad, I wouldn’t be able to maintain a friendship of states away and years apart. If it were me, I would be able to come up with something — anything — that I’ve done. I may be blonde, however, I am not clueless.
So this is my letter to you. This is my reminder that I’m still alive, but I no longer exist to you because you don’t need anything at the moment. This is my reminder that I also have issues, maybe more than most, but I have never once turned you down to help or assist in any way. This is my reminder that I do care about you, but I no longer see you as a caring individual.
This is my reminder that when I called you with a panic attack – you couldn’t answer because you were “busy,” aka at the bar or at home with a different friend. This is my reminder that when I went through some of the worst times of my life, you were too busy to notice I was falling apart. This is my reminder that I cried and begged for some kind of friend to listen to me and help me through, and you didn’t want to be there.
This is my reminder to you, that you left me in the dark.
Most importantly, this is my reminder that I am thankful for you. I am thankful you have opened my eyes which then forced me to realize who my true friends are. The ones who answered my calls, who wanted to help, who made sure I was okay day in and day out. The ones who showed up where I was just to give me a hug, who stayed on the phone with me for hours at 3am just to calm my panic attack, when they had to be up in a few hours.
I’m so thankful you have left me without notice or reason. Only because it shows me who has truly cared for me and always will — regardless of their own personal life.
I want you to know, I will ALWAYS be here for you, as I have promised. I will absolutely always take your calls and respond to your ranting texts, no matter how “busy” I may be.
I care about you as a person and I care about your mental health. I care about your problems and will never have a problem helping you through the toughest times you encounter.
But you will never be the one who does that for me. And I’m finally okay with that.
I hope you’re doing well, and in case you were wondering, I’m doing pretty damn great now.
